


A Way Out

by djarinbarnes, wastedandalone



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Avenger Bucky Barnes, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hydra (Marvel), Mutant Reader, Slow Burn, Tags Are Hard, Tags Contain Spoilers, mentions of torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-02-26 12:56:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 23,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22819105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/djarinbarnes/pseuds/djarinbarnes, https://archiveofourown.org/users/wastedandalone/pseuds/wastedandalone
Summary: Something about that HYDRA agent was familiar. Why did she look so familiar? And why did she decide to help him escape?**on hiatus**
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader
Comments: 26
Kudos: 54





	1. i always wanna die (sometimes)

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I've decided to rewrite my old Wattpad book.  
As always, I've called in my good friend and co-writer wastedandalone (dunno what I'd do without her)  
For now, let's see where this goes...

The plan was simple. 

Set up. 

Catch.

You hid in the shadows until you heard his footsteps, slowly but surely approaching. You wondered why he was alone, why no one had gone with him, but at this moment, it made everything just a little bit easier for you.

The automatic weapon was the first thing that appeared in the doorway. You watched him as he cleared the room, keeping track of every move and thought he made. The air around you was damp and musty. A distant light gave off just enough glow for you to see a glint of his metal arm. 

Unbeknownst to him, you were aware of every vulnerability and strength he possessed, granting you the possibility to overpower him quickly and without much noise. He barely registered your presence before the automatic weapon was thrusted forcefully out of his grasp, landing somewhere in a dark, secluded corner. 

Your hand came in contact with his metal fist, stopping it midway to your face. His eyes widened as he took in the situation for just a split second, his attention drawing away, helping you to easily overcome him, jamming him against the floor. He landed with a thud and a small grunt. It was hard to really hurt a Super Soldier, but you were managing. It was almost scary. You had more strength than he ever imagined having.

You watched as his hand yet again curled into a fist, aiming directly for your nose, but you blocked it just before it touched you. Your fist came in contact with his jaw and he winced, the taste of blood filling his mouth. His right arm shot up to cover his face as his left hand grabbed your arm, twisting you around and shoving you off him. 

He stumbled backwards and pulled his knife out of its holster, awaiting your next move. His eyes scanned the room, widening when he realized you were nowhere to be found. 

A swift kick to his back sent him to the ground once again, and your boot connected painfully with his temple. He whimpered underneath you, as you stuck your foot on his throat. His eyes were unable to focus on you, just like any other object in the room. It was actually pretty horrendous – his eyes just rolling around in his head. 

"Please just do whatever you have to do" he stuttered under the weight of your boot. You tilted your head and sighed. “Kill me.”

''Oh, but dear, that would be the easy way out. The point of this is not to kill you. I just want to talk. So, you can either surrender now, or keep fighting me. Because even though you try and try, again and again, I will win." He gained enough control over his senses to focus on you. You gave him a reassuring smile, followed by another swift kick to the temple, resulting in him blacking out.

  
  


He was blacked out for more than 36 hours. When he didn't awake after the first 14 hours, you started pacing. After the 24th hour, you became a bit concerned. You were reassured that he would eventually wake. You watched his calmed breaths and his chest rising and falling from your position behind the desk. 

He was strapped into the large chair in the middle of the room, slowly coming to his senses. He slowly opened his eyes, fear evident in his eyes when he felt the restraints on his body. He jolted forward, the chains around his chest and arms stopping him in his tracks. The room looked too much like a psychiatric ward room: too plain, too sterile. The artificial light matched the color of his eyes, a stark contrast against his dark hair. 

"What is this?” he struggled in the chair, eyes widening, trying to loosen his arms, chest and legs. “Where am I?" 

You looked over his file one last time, before you folded the front cover towards the back, so you could skim all the information you had on him, while interrogating him. The cream colored cardstock felt heavy in your hands. He looked around himself, trying to find a way out of his restraints. His eyes fell on his metal arm, widening when they saw the clamps on the plates of his arm and cables going into the interior. The different colored wires looked dangerous. You felt his fear, his body trembling ever so slightly. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling, and you nearly wished you didn’t have to do this. But you didn’t have a choice. 

"I need you to confirm your identity to me before we begin, Soldat" you said, slowly walking around the table, toward him. He looked up, his eyes following you as you approached him, board in hand.

"Who are you?" he asked, fear still clouding his eyes, his chest heaving and body struggling. 

"Who I am, is not important. Can you confirm to me, that you are indeed James Buchanan Barnes, born March 10th, 1917?” He gulped and then slowly nodded. His body tensed as the low voltage was sent through the metal of his artificial limb. “Words, James. I need your verbal confirmation.”

"Yes, my name is James Buchanan Barnes" he stammered, looking around for anything to focus on, that wasn't you. His eyes fell on the huge glass window to his right. Outside was water. It looked like it would go on forever. Like there was no land in sight. Through the glass, multiple species of fish bolted in the ocean. You followed his gaze. 

“And can you confirm to me that you’re also a former officer of the 107th Infantry Regiment during World War II?” his eyes shot to you and he looked down. You watched as his jaw tensed, the voltage running into his arm, higher than the first time.

“Yes.” he choked out, head hanging low. He tried to hide his fear from you, but to no use. His fear lingered in the air, the aura strong and forceful, almost overwhelming you. What was he so scared of?

You looked down at his file yet again, drawing in a breath before continuing. “Winter Soldier under HYDRA?" you asked him sternly, his head shooting upwards, eyes finding yours. It flashed in his memory after the words had left your mouth. _ Winter Soldier. HYDRA. _ You realized the reason for his fears while looking him directly in the eye. You felt his emotions overcoming you yet again, as his broken memories surged through his veins.

Cryo. Electroshock. Brainwashing. _ Trigger words. _

"Use your voice, Soldat" you ordered, watching him while calming yourself. 

“Yes.” He managed to stutter, his right hand clenching tightly against the chair, the restraints holding him painfully in place. Your heart surged as you watched a tear slip down his face. He was truly scared of being back in HYDRA’s grasp. 

You felt awful for violating him like this, but you had no choice. You didn’t control the electrical shocks. You didn’t control what the interrogation was about. You were merely there to carry out a task for your superiors. You admired him as his eyes yet again landed on the giant window, sensing his attempt to focus on something else. 

"Beautiful, right? It's even more beautiful at night. The moonlight breaking the surface, dimly illuminating the fish swimming... You should have seen it..." you let out a short giggle and walked in between him and the glass window.

"But you have been knocked out for a couple of hours. Don't worry though, I think you'll have the chance to see it, maybe even more than a few times. That, of course, depends on how quickly you speak up." He looked at you and then his eyes darted to the floor. 

"You look so familiar" he said in a low voice. If your senses weren't so enhanced, you wouldn't have heard what he said.

There’s always some familiarity about family.


	2. surrounded by heads and bodies

The secret HYDRA hideout was a massive plot of land to cover. Tunnels ran under the unforgiving mass of 70000 square meters of buildings and an old castle, or what remained of it. Luckily, there were only that few rooms that were operated in the whole building, which made everything a little easier. 

If it hadn’t been a location for such horrendous acts, it would be beautiful. The star shaped ground on which it rested on made it appear as something from a fairytale, and the many windows made everything light and spacious. 

The inner courtyard was cleared first, with no sign of life emitting from within the castle. The tall grass was untouched and seemed to have been unkempt for a long while, the grass reaching their knees as they walked the path leading to two tall towers where the windows had been blown out long ago.

Nat looked up and took in the tall crumbling brick building, sighing as she slowly looked around. “Imagine how beautiful this was once.” she smiled as she closed her eyes and imagined the giant windows, preferably stained glass decorating the exterior, and on a sunny day, that same stained glass throwing beautiful kaleidoscope markings along the interior.

“No time for that today Nat, we gotta get those files and leave. There’s always a catch.” Tony spoke from the suit, Sam sending her a smile. 

Bucky and Steve exchanged reassuring glances and both let out a small laugh, Steve nudging Nat’s shoulder before telling everyone about the placing of the operating rooms and who would clear the different perimeters. 

They spread out into groups of two, certain files being the mission. As they worked through the old castle, they stumbled upon more and more unmapped pathways leading everywhere around the castle, like a maze. Everything was connected somehow. 

It took them a short while, with the help of F.R.I.D.A.Y, to locate the few operating command centers. To make sure everything was cleared, they split up yet again, searching through the endless corridors, mapping out everything to F.R.I.D.A.Y.

''Looks like the perimeter is finally clear" Natasha's voice echoed through Steve’s earpiece. 

"The files are in my possession" Sam voiced breathlessly in his ear. "I'm back at the jet"

"Alright, everybody, over and out. Report when you’re back" Tony's voice joined shortly after theirs.

“I’m back at the jet, Bruce and Sam are both here.” Nat reported, the noise of rustling gear being taken off sounding over the coms. 

Steve looked down his shield and wiped it clean with a shirt he ripped off a guard. "Anyone seen Bucky?" he asked, not having seen him for 20 minutes. He looked around and searched for Bucky.

"No, not since he left to check the right wing about fifteen minutes ago" Bruce answered in his ear. 

"I'm gonna go find him" Steve said back to the Avengers. 

"Meet us back at the jets in less than 5" Tony ordered. "I don't want to scoop up your body if things go south. There are bombs planted all over this place in case something happens, like per example, an attack. Like the one we just managed to do. I already hear some in this area."

Steve heard multiple sets of laughter in the earpiece and several agreements, along with faint explosions from the different areas of the headquarters. 

"Bucky?" Steve yelled through the connecting interface. No answer. "Buck?" He tried again. Fuck. 

He ran to the right wing, walls exploding to his left and right, determined to find Bucky. Steve dodged every flying brick and checked every open room he came across. 

"F.R.I.D.A.Y run a location search on Bucky's earpiece" Steve heard Tony say. 

"Bucky Barnes earpiece location, 50° 42′ 45″N, 21° 18′ 33″E second floor in the farthest room from where the corridor meets the hallway in the right wing." The answer was loud and clear from the AI, but still, Tony thought it needed repetition.

"Last connection to his earpiece was seven minutes ago, in the room at the end of the hallway" Tony said. Steve rolled his eyes and proceeded to run to the end of the corridor and slammed into it.

It didn't budge.

Smoke filled his nostrils as he threw his shield at the door and managed to throw it through. He coughed as he ripped open the iron and stepped inside. There was nothing but Bucky's broken earpiece laying on the floor, along with a splatter of blood. 

"Nothing's here, except blood and his broken earpiece!" Steve yelled and looked around.

The room was plain and with no interior, other than a control pad with multiple different colored buttons in one corner.

That was it.

No sign of Bucky.

_ What the fuck is happening? _ He said to himself. _ This can't be real. I just got him back. Shit. _

Steve felt his heart churn at the thought about what could’ve possibly happened to his best friend.

He thought about the possibility of HYDRA brainwashing Bucky again, ruining his person yet again, scrambling his brain yet again, freezing him and hiding him away…

Steve felt his feet run cold and the color draining from his face, choking on his breaths as tears welled up into his eyes.

This couldn’t be happening.

An explosion blew up close to the room he was in, the whole ground shaking beneath him, tunnels collapsing and burning. 

He was too occupied in his own thoughts to make out the words that were spoken to him.

Bucky was missing.

His best friend.

What was he supposed to do?

_ I can't go home without him _, he thought to himself.

He was starting to shake, starting to get anxious at having to leave Bucky here.

He wasn’t going to go home without one certain brunette. He couldn’t let his best friend fall back into the hands of HYDRA.

That was his worst fear, and now he was terrified that fear was coming true. 

It wasn’t fair, he thought. Bucky had already been through so much, painted as an awful man committing heinous crimes, and as soon as he tries fixing himself and getting back on the good side of the world, he’s disappeared again. It was bullshit, if you asked Steve. 

"Steve you've got to get out of there" a voice finally broke through his thoughts. It was Bruce, who almost blew his eardrum from screaming so loudly.

"What?" He said, just as he was knocked off his feet and thrown into the wall by the blast. He felt a searing pain in his leg and hip, the impact thrusting all the air out of his lungs. His vision spotted over and a searing ringing filled his head.

In Steve’s semi-conscious state, his thoughts flip-flopped from pain to Bucky.

Between shuddering breaths, his best friend’s wavy chestnut hair and bright smile coursed through his mind.

The white-hot pain in his legs and right hip was unbearable. His mind was able to register the poignant smell of burning flesh and metal. 

The air was thick. 

Steve’s lungs burned from the black smoke and ashes with every labored breath.

He kept his eyes shut, not having the strength or energy to open them. The sound of metal creaking above him was enough to make him hold his breath.

_ What the hell? _

He decided to put what little brain power he had to use by replaying his favorite memories of him and Bucky. If he was going to die, he deserved to go happy, damn it. 

His first thought was back in Brooklyn, the first time Steve slept over at Bucky’s house. They were in grade school, wide toothless grins playing marbles on the living room carpet.

Bucky was one of the only friends Steve had at the time. He didn’t know it then, but the two of them would go through hell and back for each other.

That was the reason why Steve was so upset, the thought of losing Bucky again.

He felt tears start to burn in his eyes mixed with the smoke surrounding him.

He didn’t like this, not one bit.

How many times would he have to lose his best friend before he learned they’re in the wrong business for friends? 

He thought back to finding Bucky, how the Winter Soldier was ready to kill him.

Steve was so happy to know that his best friend was alive, he was okay with giving up the fight.

The kid from Brooklyn never backed down, but if it meant not fighting Bucky, it was one he was willing to walk away from.

He wasn’t ready to give up this fight yet, though. It was why he was still breathing.

He forced air in and out of his lungs on sheer willpower. He needed to know Bucky was okay. 

The next thing Steve remembered was hearing loud crashes around him, as if what’s left of the walls are caving in.

It was getting harder to breathe, and the dust was settling in his nose and throat.

The grit of it all is unnerving, and he wasn't sure if he would make it out alive. 


	3. pressure

You had gone to school together. Your parents had been friends. 

Sometime before the war, to help your family during desperate times, you had been succumbing to a lifestyle not exactly in your favor. 

One of your clients had left you for dead with multiple stab wounds. He had punished you for turning him down, leaving you to fight for your own life. 

Arnim Zola found you, bleeding in the back of an alley. 

_ My sweet girl, what happened to you? Oh my dear, little princess. Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of you. Hang in there, princess. _

He brought you to the headquarters and nursed you back to health. 

Zola quickly became the father figure you were missing in your life during your recovery. He would tend to you more often than they would to other patients, you learned. There was something in their demeanor as well. Something friendly. When you finally recovered, you were Zola's pet. 

And the thing about you and Bucky – the two of you were experimented on by HYDRA at the same time. You knew he was there. From the very first day they brought him in, you could hear him. You had no doubt it was him; you had grown so used to his aura and persona.

There was a long period of time where they would put you in cryo, waking you up to simply tell you there was something special coming for you soon. Maybe it was simply because Zola loved you like his own. Maybe it was because he secretly knew what you were capable of. 

That special thing they had in store for you was finally revealed one cold december evening. 

You were injected with the Super Soldier Serum shortly after The Winter Soldier managed to get it off Howard Stark. 

Afterwards, you were assigned to watch The Winter Soldier’s every move and report it back to HYDRA. 

You were even ordered to end his life if anything went wrong. You followed him around every corner of the world, staying in the shadows and tracking everything. 

You glanced at him, sitting there in the chair. He looked perplexed. There was something in his eyes, in his mind that you couldn’t put your finger on.

There was a time when you almost gave yourself away. Luckily, mind tricks work great on those who believe. That given, of course, only confirmed your worries; you couldn't ever tell anyone working in or under HYDRA that you remembered your past. 

They would wipe you. Torture you. Brainwash you. So, you acted like you were still just an assassin. A watcher. A reporter. 

You knew you couldn't keep up the act forever, so you wrote everything down, just in case they became suspicious. There was always a glitch somewhere. Sometime, someone would find out. Find out about your abilities.

Abilities that would make you an even more interesting specimen to HYDRA, after being injected with the serum. 

Before, you were super strong, healing quicker than imaginable and possessed senses to die for. 

When you were injected, with the scientists not knowing about your abilities, your metabolism and abilities skyrocketed in a short amount of time. 

Anything you were capable of before, was a hundred times stronger afterwards. 

The period after your injection you suffered in silence. You could feel your whole body changing, you could hear even the lowest decibel, and every sound was higher than usual. The nights came and went with no sleep. Everything was happening, all at once.

Sitting on your bed in your small cell, you could hear most of what was going on. The conversation between the guards, mainly in Russian, was something you would write down. 

Sometimes they talked about their lives before they joined HYDRA. It made everything a little easier for you, because you secretly knew everything about them. 

Their heads weren’t closed off and limited anymore. Persuasion is easier when you know everything about someone.

You thought about his statement for a short while.

"I don't know why you would think that Soldat," you said calmly, sweat forming at the back of your neck. You felt the nervousness creep up in your body. "We've never met before"

He looked at you again, eyes still full of that something. Then, they looked back to the ground. 

"How many missions have you carried out for HYDRA?''

He remained silent. You tilted your head and ran your fingers down the page. This game of silence made you angry.

Angry because you didn’t want to hurt him. Angry because it would be easier if he complied. You knew the voltage of the power source had been turned up. You could feel it in your hands. They were shaking slightly.

"Let's try that again, James. How many missions have you carried out for HYDRA?"

Still, no answer. You bit your lip as you hesitantly gave the sign. His body tensed up as the electricity passed through him. 

"Again… How many miss-" You were cut off in the middle of your sentence.

"I don’t know." he answered calmly, jaw clenching, tears springing from his eyes. “I never kept track. I could never remember anything afterwards. Maybe because they scrambled my brains after every fucking mission.”

You sighed at his answer. You knew this already. You knew everything. 

"You have recently played your own little game of hide and seek. Why did you hide from HYDRA, Soldat?" he looked up at you with a confused look on his face. He let out a long sigh, hesitating before he opened his mouth, lips quivering slightly. 

"I... I was afraid they were going to kill me. Or put me under for good. Because I remembered.” His eyes searched your face for a short while before he continued. 

“I remembered my past, and what they did to me. I remembered Steve. I remembered the war. Before the war." He looked at the ground again. His eyes scanned the floor around him, silent tears falling against his naked chest.

"Look at me" you ordered. He didn't react. You raised your hand. You felt his nervousness, his pain. He was scared. You knew he would never admit it.

"Is this really what you want Soldat? Do I have to shock every answer out of you?" He looked up at you and gulped. Then, he nodded. Unexpectedly. 

“Just do what you have to do. I don’t care. I can take it. I lived like this for 70 years. Kill me if you have to.”

You hesitantly walked around the chair he was strapped in. You looked at how the skilled workers at HYDRA had disassembled some of the plates on his arms and connected the wires, and you almost worried there was no other way out of that chair but with the help of those workers.

There were small needles painfully submerged into his skin, leading the electricity into his body. The red distressed skin around the intruding metal looked horrible. You knew there would be scars.

There wasn’t enough electric power to kill him at this time, but there would be, if he didn't comply. Every time he didn’t answer, you felt the voltage increasing. 

There was something about the way they decided to strap him in this time around. There was usually never anything attached to his body. It was always the head. _ Always the head. So why not now? _

You looked up at the camera in the corner of the room, then back to James, sitting helplessly in the chair. This was it. Your future at HYDRA depended on this interrogation. If you could break him, you could break anyone. That was what they had told you.

You knew they were watching you. You knew there was a microphone, and you knew they could hear you. 


	4. this must be my dream

Steve startled awake in a room, a bright light shining through the window. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly and laid his head back into the pillow with a groan.

“On your left.” Steve smiled half-crookedly at the well-known voice beside him. 

“Where am I?” he managed to stammer, lifting his head and looking around the room slightly, eyes getting used to the orange glimt of brightness coming from the setting sun. A piercing pain shot from his leg through his body. "God that hurts…”

His body felt numb. It felt like he’d been heavily drinking all night. His head was spinning, his eyes were dry and so was his mouth. He knew he was drugged with morphine at the moment. He felt a surge in his stomach. Undefinable hunger. 

“Steve, buddy, relax. You're in the tower. You were injured when the building started exploding. Bruce managed to save you by slamming himself through multiple walls" Sam explained, telling him about the aftermath. 

Steve didn’t know how long he had been out or how long Sam had been sitting beside him. Sam smiled softly at Steve before his eyes darted to the floor. "We weren't able to track down Bucky, Steve. I'm sorry."

Steve felt his face run cold. He winced. His heart hurt. It felt like there was a hand holding it, squeezing tightly. 

Not able to track him down? 

How hard is it finding a buff super soldier with a metal arm? 

He threw his head back violently, the feeling of powerlessness overcoming him.

"I need to go out and look for him. I have to. He's my best friend, I owe him this." Steve was frantically looking for some sort of acceptance in Sam's face as he pushed himself into a sitting position to throw his legs over the edge of the bed. He yet again felt a sharp pain in his leg when he moved, and he let out a yelp. The morphine made him dizzy, and his head was spinning violently. Steve felt nauseous. 

"Hey, take it slow. Tony said you need to rest for a few more hours. He doesn't want you going out there right now. Anywhere, for that matter" He answered calmly. 

Steve groaned loudly and crossed his arms over his chest. 

“Your leg was impaled by a flyaway scrap piece of iron. You’ve gotten a few…well more or less 23 stitches. Don’t pressure yourself.” Steve clenched his fists and felt the tears tricking into the corners of his eyes. He raised his head, looking at the ceiling to prevent the tears from spilling, but to no avail.

"Just a few more hours Steve, then you're good to go" Sam assured him. “Should I get you anything? Some food, water?”

_ But I want to go, right fucking now... _ Steve closed his eyes, a few tears rolling down his cheeks. 

He sighed, and Sam helped him lay back against the soft hospital bed. 

“Yeah, can you just… fetch me something? Preferably something with a little grease.” Steve heard his stomach grumble at the thought of food. Sam nodded and left, leaving Steve to himself for some 20 minutes. When he returned, he was carrying a bag of Subway.

“I know you like their fries,” Sam said with a smile, reaching into the bag, pulling out a large fry, handing it to Steve. “Don’t tell the nurse I snuck this in. You know they like the infirmary ward nice and clean,” Steve chuckled and popped a few fries into his mouth as Sam pulled out a burger, handing it to him. He sighed happily as he swallowed the food, feeling his hunger slowly subside. 

“Call if you need anything. I’ll be close.” Sam told him, and he nodded, before he slowly drifted off into a vivid slumber, imagining the worst things happening to Bucky. 

Stabbing. 

Electroshock.

Limbs being torn from his body.

Teeth being pulled out.

Every single unexplainable, unthinkable thing he could imagine happening to Bucky, only made him more infuriated, setting his mind on fire. Torture, gory details, death... 

Steve woke up drenched in sweat, and to Natasha violently shaking him, yelling his name.

"What the fuck Steve? Are you alright?" she asked him with a concerned look on her face. Steve leaped up and threw his arms around her in a fit of tears. He was violently hyperventilating, making the woman in his arms worried.

"Whoa, Steve, please, you're… drenched in sweat..." She halted when she heard him sobbing. "Are you okay? You were screaming.” she caressed his back tenderly, before she continued. “Bucky’s name. What happened?" Steve shook his head and looked up at her, tears in his eyes. 

He proceeded to tell her every little detail of his dream. How he dreamed of the torturous details about how he imagined Bucky’s disappearance turning out… She watched him as he spoke, watched as he let his feelings overcome him more and more.

She hugged him tightly and stroked his back.

"Steve, I'm sure Bucky can withstand anything. He will get through this; WE will get through this. We will find him Steve, I promise you." She held his shoulders with her hands and pushed him out in an arm's length. She searched for something in his eyes, he didn't know what. She gave him a small smile, thumbs landing on his face to caress his cheeks.

"Come on," she said to him; "Let's go to the office. Tony is ready to do a briefing and to lay out what we have so far." She stood up and put out her hand for him to take. Steve took it and rose from the bed, still feeling sick to his stomach. 

“You’re probably gonna need these, big boy.” Nat said as she grabbed the crutches from beside the hospital bed. Steve rolled his eyes and hesitated. He wanted to veto the doctor’s decision to have him humping around, but he decided against it.

"Thank you." Steve said, looking at her, and giving her a careful crooked smile as he accepted the crutches. They walked to the office, Nat being sweet enough to walk with Steve and his unimaginably slow pace. 

As they entered, Steve was greeted by them all, where the other Avengers were gathered in different positions around the table. 

"What's the status?" Steve asked hopefully, wishing for an answer sounding something like... We found him, he's okay, we're bringing him back at this moment... But instead he was met with silence. Tony looked at him. 

"We have no leads. No one has left the building at all while we were in there. None that we know of, the least. Did any of you see anything in there, anything that might be able to give us a lead? Any hidden tunnels that could lead out of there?"

Everyone around the table shook their heads and avoided eye contact with anyone. Steve slammed his fist into the table, and made Wanda, Sam and Rhodes jump in their seats. 

"I need something! Anything!" He looked angrily around the room. "Anything. The tiniest little detail. Please guys." he pleaded.

“Steve, we’re gonna find him, I promise.” Sam reassured him with a hand coming up to touch his shoulder.

“That’s just something you’re saying to make me calm down.” Steve said with a huff, pacing around the room, ignoring Sam’s comforting approach.

“Doesn’t mean it ain’t true, Steve.” he shot back, clearly infuriated with Steve’s reaction. Steve shot him a glare before groaning loudly, pain shooting through his leg. “Sit down man. You’re gonna hurt yourself with that injury.”

“Stop it. I’m fine.” Steve muttered through gritted teeth. He looked at the avengers around him before sighing, sitting down reluctantly.

"I.. I might have seen an open file on one of the tables in one of the head rooms in the headquarters" Wanda piped in. "I'm not sure who was in it, but it was a woman. A young woman."

"Do you remember anything else from that file? What she looked like? Name, date of birth?" Tony asked. Wanda looked at him, then focused on the table in front of her. She closed her eyes.

"She was just.. young and beautiful. She looked like a normal woman in her mid-twenties, honestly.. I'm not sure about the eye color. I’m not sure about the name either? It could be anything, I don't know. It's unclear. I’m sorry." Wanda sighed. 

"Other details? Are you sure you didn’t see any birthdate?" Bruce piped in. "Maybe if you did see one, there’s a possibility we can find her in a database"

"Maybe sometime around August 1919? Guys, I'm not entirely sure, it’s very faint. But I'm sure of one thing." She looked around the flock of people that were watching her. Tony was turned away from her, looking at his new and finally caught Steves eyes. 

"Her file said Super Soldier."


	5. sincerity is scary

Minutes passed. You thought of the questions you were supposed to ask him. You closed your eyes for a short moment, muttering your trusty latin phrase to yourself. Something that always calmed you, and kept you sane. 

_ natura nihil frustra facit. _

You had told yourself that phrase for many years. You felt like it was the only thing keeping you from losing it altogether.  _ Nature does nothing in vain. _ There was a reason for everything. No matter how much you wanted, or didn’t want something, there was always a reason.

You closed your eyes, turning away from the monitor in the corner.

"How long have you worked alongside the Avengers?" you, of course, knew the answer. It was regular knowledge to you, since you had been following him around, keeping track of his movements. You simply asked him whatever stupid questions they had given you. The taping of this interrogation was just gravely important for your future in HYDRA... If you didn't fuck it up. 

"I don't work for them." was his short, blunt answer. 

"That's not what I asked you." you clenched your jaw. 

"I..." he looked at the ground just before your feet. Then at you. Then back to the ground. 

"They helped me. They cured me. They saved me. They can help you too. Save you. Just let me go. Please." he pleaded with a soft glistening in his eye. 

"Are you crying, James?" you asked, slowly approaching him. He rolled his eyes and let out a sigh. He looked up at you suddenly, eyes widening. You stopped in your tracks when you realized what he meant.

"I know who you are now" he muttered. "I know you. I remember you." 

You looked at him, eyes pleading him for his silence. The transmitter couldn't see your facial expression from this angle. 

"Please" you whispered, the lowest you could muster.

The door behind you clicked and you squeezed your hand shut. 

No one is coming through that door. You saw it before you. Molecules solidifying and binding together in unnatural compositions. Your mind had forced the material of the door to solidify and expand in the position it was currently in. You closed your eyes and focused on the cameras around you. 

In your mind, they cracked, unhinged from the wall and fell before you. Every part of them were ripped apart and ruined. As you opened your eyes, they were laying by your feet. Your eyes shifted toward Bucky. His expression was unreadable. You found mostly confusing thoughts as you searched his expressions. You felt a slight fear in his aura, and that made you uneasy.

"The microphones here are out of order now. No cameras are recording or transmitting. No one can hear us." You said. His expression didn't change, the confused look stuck on his face. “You don’t need to be scared of me. You know me. You know who I am. What I am.”

“How did you do that?” he mustered, hands clenching. He wanted out.

"Mind control" You shrugged, and let out a small laugh before finding his eyes.

"Yes, you know me. I know you. And I know Steve. Listen, Bucky..." You kneeled before him and started pulling the restraining needles out of his skin. You grimaced at the small intrusions, small droplets of blood seeping out from where the needles had been.

"No one at HYDRA knows about this. They know nothing of my powers, and they don't know that I know you. I'm designed to kill, Bucky. Just like you. When I was injected..." Your eyes darted to the floor. "I was already powerful. Every ability in me skyrocketed when I came in contact with the serum. I never told anyone at HYDRA about it. They never figured it out." He looked at you with an even more confused look. 

"So, you're telling me you've had powers before you were captured by HYDRA? Like... You were born with these abilities?" He said, clearly taken aback. You nodded and loosened the restraints around his arms, legs and at last, his body.

“I’m so sorry about all of this. I can’t bring into words how much I regret bringing you here. It was supposed to just be another mission.” you sighed and bit your lip. “I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted this to happen. I’m so sorry.” 

"If you tell anyone about my abilities, I'm going to die. They're going to kill me." You told him. You looked up at him, worried. How were you going to get him out of here? That door is the only way out, and someone is pounding at it... Fuck... You looked around and your eyes fell on the giant window. 

"No no no, don't even think about that. I would never tell on you. I promised you that, remember?" Bucky assured you. "We're going to get out of here, and I'm going to help you, alright? We need to contact Steve and the team somehow. They will help us. I'm sure of it." 

You looked at him and furrowed your brows.

"They're not going to help me. Why would they? I'm the enemy. I captured you. I electrocuted you" You looked out at the ocean and walked closer to the window. Tears welled up in your eyes as you turned around and faced him. He rose from the chair and sighed. This was not going to end well.

"Hey. You didn’t do any of those things. HYDRA made you do it. I've tried worse during my time at HYDRA. Might I say, you're the most gentle torturer I've come across at HYDRA" He let out a small laugh, and looked towards the sound of the banging on the door. "How long is the door going to hold?" He asked, looking right at the handle. 

"For as long as I want it to. No one gets through. I've manipulated the molecules in the iron."

"We need to figure out a way to contact the Avengers. Is there anything in here? Maybe a shirt or something" He asked, gesturing to his bare torso. You shook your head slightly, arms coming around your torso to comfort yourself. 

You stood in silence for a few moments. You heard him shuffle closer to you, before he appeared in the corner of your eye. 

_ natura nihil frustra facit. _

You sighed as you muttered the words to yourself yet again. You knew he heard you, you could hear his lips tugging into a small smile. 

“You were always one on latin. Those were the days.” He said as he turned his head, looking at you. You smiled slightly, letting your arms loosen slowly, trying to hold a more open body language. 

“How do you communicate at the facility? There must be some… kind of internet thing?” you asked, turning your head to look at Bucky.

“We have an interface computer system, that’s driving the whole building. It’s what we use for everything.” he told you, hesitating a bit.

"Can you give me information about the system they're using?" you asked, thinking about how to solve your situation.

"It's called F.R.I.D.A.Y." He replied. “Tony Stark invented it.” 

"F.R.I.D.A.Y?" You smiled. "That's nice. I have to concentrate if this is going to work. Will you keep quiet?" you told him and he nodded. You closed your eyes and took a deep breath as you focused.

F.R.I.D.A.Y. 

Location: New York. 

Enter system. 

Open tab.

You opened your eyes and looked at Bucky with a sigh. 

"I don't know if I succeeded." your eyes fell to the ground. "I guess we'll know soon enough"


	6. if i believe you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a series of small updates from me. these are all old, rewritten chapters. let me know what you think :*

The pounding on the door got louder. The sound of metal hitting metal started, and dents started appearing in the door. You cursed under your breath and sighed. 

"If this goes to shit, I'm really sorry," you looked at Bucky with sad eyes. You walked up to the giant window and looked out into nothing. You closed your eyes as you let your head drop.

"Buck... I'm sorry. I really am. I have no words to describe to you how much I regret this. I wish I could just abandon HYDRA at this moment, but there is literally no way out" you half-laughed. You registered Bucky walking up behind you, putting his hand on your shoulder.

"You need to stop apologizing. We will find a way," he assured you. "While we contemplate on the possibilities for our escape, would you care to tell me about your powers, and why you never told us about them?"

"Well, it's a long story" you tried to push the subject away. You sat down at the bottom of the window and leaned your head back on the window.

"We got all the time in the world, especially since you've locked us in here and it seems that not even an atomic bomb could bring these walls down..." He slid down beside you. 

"I don't know where to start" You sighed. You looked at him seated beside you and let out a sigh.

"From the start?" He laughed. "It's been like 75 years since I've seen you"

"Well... I was born with these powers... abilities. Umm... My parents learned about them when I was around five months old. I had been crying... and my mother found me, surrounded by a forcefield... She couldn't get to me. And apparently, I wouldn't stop crying" you let out a small laugh, the sound of the bullets still ricocheting off the door playing through the room. He smiled and waited for you to continue. 

"My parents sought up this man. I think his name was Howard. He helped them understand that I was different, but that they had no reason to fear me. And that's why my parents made sure that I had the most normal childhood, with you and Steve" you smiled at the happy memories appearing in your head and shot a look at Bucky. His eyes were distant, and his face was serious. 

"Hey? Buck? What's wrong?" you placed your hand on his shoulder and sought his eyes for emotion.

"Nothing. I’ll tell you some other time." He turned his body slightly, looking out into the ocean. His eyes fell on a fish outside the glass window. You decided against going into depth with that story and focused on bringing your own story back in context, so you could finish.

"When I was about twelve, I sought to get to know my powers. I wanted to know what exactly I was capable of... You and Steve found me after an attempt of psionic force field-making. Remember? You were coming home from the fair downtown and found me by the tree in my backyard" You both let out a small laugh.

"Yeah, I do remember that. Steve tried to lift you, but he was too weak for that" He smiled at the sudden flash imaging of the situation that popped up in the back of his mind. 

"Why are you looking at me like that?" He looked you dead in the eye, and you smiled at him.

"I can kind of control thoughts, but not like a total mind reader. I can put whatever I want you to see inside your head. And I just put that image of us in your head" you smiled at him and he bit his lip and nodded.

"So, I've got to be careful with you, is that what you're saying?" He smiled and studied your face.

"Not really. Just don't piss me off." you joked and thought of what to say next. "When I was 17, I found out I could manipulate elements. Not like the weather, but molecules in whatever is present. Just like I did to the door" you glanced back at the mess of a door the agents had made. 

"And like you did to the cameras." you glanced at him when he spoke up, and you suddenly doubted if you should continue your story. 

"When you disappeared... What happened?" He asked you questioningly. You bit your lip, not wanting to remember what actually had happened. You decided against yourself and looked at him. 

You felt the emotions overcome you strongly. Tears streamed quietly down your cheeks, at the memory of what had happened all those years ago. You clutched your stomach where the small scars littered. 

"I almost died. I had been... doing stuff. For money. You know. And... One of the men wanted more. And I couldn't give him that..." you looked out into the ocean and noticed the glints of orange starting to appear throughout the water. The ocean and the fish blurred together, and your throat tightened. You gasped for air as you forced yourself to tell him the rest. 

"He beat me, stabbed me... Left me for dead" The last word came out as a sob. Before you knew it, you felt a strong arm pulling you flush into a warm body. You sighed and tried to collect yourself before continuing. It was to no avail, so you tried your best to explain while laying against Bucky’s warm chest.

"Arnim Zola found me and nursed me back to health. I remember that day in 1991 when you brought back the Serum. Arnim said that he had something special planned for me. I have no recollection of what happened in those 30 something years before that. I guess I was frozen" you bit your lip and distanced yourself from Bucky, even though you wanted to stay in his embrace. 

You watched as his face fell, almost like he wanted you to stay close to him.

He looked at you and sighed. 

“I’m sorry, doll. That must have been awful,” Bucky said, biting the inside of his cheek. “You know, when we get out of here, Steve and I are going to look after you. We’ll protect you. Just like the old days.”

“I don’t need your protection,” you hissed at him before rising to your feet. “I was weak once. I’m not weak anymore. I’m strong, and I know how to kill. I’m not afraid anymore.”

“You are afraid. I know you are. Afraid of HYDRA. Afraid of what they’re going to do you. You said so yourself!” Bucky protested as he stood up before you, glaring at you.

“I don’t care what I’ve told you. This was all my fault. I should be dead.” you clenched your jaw, a stray tear rolling down your cheek.

“When are you going to stop punishing yourself for things you can’t control?!” Bucky yelled at you, and you could feel how tired he was. 

You shrugged, but you knew what you needed. What you longed for. 

An idea suddenly popped into your head and you looked at him.

"I know how we're getting out."


	7. frail state of mind

Steve looked around at the Avengers in the room and let out a long sigh. He shook his head and let out a small laugh to get a more joking tone into the group.

"So, another Super Soldier. What are we going to do about that? Kill her on sight?" Sam joked, broke out in a grin and Bruce let out a slightly stifled laugh. “I thought Zemo got rid of all of them back in Siberia.”

"There must be something special about her. Something… extraordinary. She’s important to them. She might be our only lead to where Bucky is kept." Natasha said. They all shared glances, some longer than others. 

"No one shoots her. We need her for possible information when we find Bucky. All I know right now is, that we need to find him quickly and alive.” Steve spoke up, and looked around the room. “That's one thing for sure. I'm not losing him again" His eyes landed on Wanda, and his eyes widened as realization slowly sunk in.

"Did you say August 1919?" He asked her. All the Avengers looked at him questioningly. Wanda searched her mind, and thought long and hard, before she finally nodded.

"I mean, I'm not sure, but like... 80%?" She looked at Steve with searching eyes. 

He walked in a hurried pace to his room and pulled out the small box of memories he had recovered over the years. He flipped through the old developed pictures and stopped when his eyes fell on your face. 

The picture was dated June 7th, 1940. Your names were scattered on the white back of the picture. He skipped back to the office and threw the picture on the table in the middle of the room. All eyes landed on the picture laid before them.

“That her?” Steve asked Wanda and pointed to the photograph on the table. She tilted her head as she looked at it. Moments passed. The elephant in the room grew larger and larger the more they awaited her response.

Then, slowly but surely, she nodded.

"F.R.I.D.A.Y search the database for (y/n) (y/l/n)" He said loudly. The screen popped up and the database search started. 

Everyone looked at Steve with weird expressions on their faces. 

Tony walked up to him and looked him straight in the eye. 

"What is it you know, exactly?" He questioned him, just as F.R.I.D.A.Y announced the search had results. 

Steve looked up and saw the familiar face on the screen, along with very little information about you. 

He knew it. 

Your HYDRA identification card appeared in a smaller window and Steve let out a deep sigh. He shook his head as he looked down.

"(y/n) is an old childhood friend of Bucky and I. We grew up together. When she was 20-something years old, she just disappeared and no one ever heard from her again. Until now. Well, now we know what happened to her." Steve stared at your picture and the ID card for a long time. 

Memories of your summers back in the thirties filled his mind. He had thought of you for many years, the uncertainty of your fate keeping him awake at night. Just like he had with Bucky. Within the small span of three years, he had lost both of you. He had gotten Bucky back a few years ago, and here you were. Possibly coming back to him as well.

Tony sighed and walked back around the table, looking between the picture and the information on the screen. 

"So, you're saying this old friend of yours is holding Bucky captive somewhere? Under HYDRA? This could mean the end of the world for Bucky if they break him again," Tony started pacing back and forth while observing the screen for additional information. He plopped down into the chair closest to the screen.

"F.R.I.D.A.Y search every CCTV in the world for her face. We need to know where she's been and when." He ordered and F.R.I.D.A.Y complied. A process bar appeared, along with a facial recognition to mark the focus points on your face. A few minutes passed and the search was almost finished.

A small window suddenly appeared on the computer screen. 

"F.R.I.D.A.Y what's happening?" Tony asked.

"Someone has breached the security system and is now inside the computer. I am not able to track the I.P. address" F.R.I.D.A.Y answered. Numbers started appearing, then letters. 

59° 59′ 22.51″ N, 29° 43′ 4.25″ E

"Coordinates" Natasha realized halfway. "F.R.I.D.A.Y search the map for the coordinates!" 

"Search result completed" 

A map appeared. 

It zoomed in. 

Russia. 

Saint Petersburg. 

"A ruin? In the middle of the ocean?" Natasha said. "What's so special about that?"

"I don't know" Steve said. "But someone made them appear. Someone is trying to tell us something."

Before he could say another word, more words appeared on the screen. Steve’s heart beat faster, and he felt like he was going to pass out as he read the words over, and over again. He knew that somehow, you had managed to call for help.

_ H E L P B U C K Y. _


	8. she way out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promise the updates will be longer soon.... for now... enjoy.

"Are you absolutely insane?" He half-yelled at you. You stood and grazed the window before you. It was like he had read your mind. You closed your eyes and leaned your head against the window, sighing loudly. You pulled back from the window a few moments later, sighing and turning back towards where Bucky was watching you intensely.

"Look, I know it sounds crazy. But I think it can work. If I can manage a force field around us and smash the window... and... float up?" you suggested. 

"I mean... I'm possibly able to make us fly in the force field. I haven't tried for many years because of HYDRA, but if I concentrated... I think I would be able to do it" you assured him. He grabbed your hand and smiled reassuringly. 

“I trust you. Just… relax and stay calm.”

"I have to... practice I think." you smiled back at him and let go of his hand. 

You walked to the far-right corner and put your hands out before you. 

_ Please don't fail me now _. You begged and closed your eyes tightly. 

You focused on the space you left between your hands and a small bubble appeared. It glimmered and changed size multiple times. You sighed as the bubble disappeared. 

You opened your eyes and looked at Bucky. Tears welled up into your eyes as you sighed defeatedly. Bucky was admiring your stance and watching your every move. He approached you and laid a hand on your shoulder.

"You're doing good. Relax. You've got this." He reassured you. You nodded and collected your thoughts. You closed your eyes and focused once again. 

_ HYDRA treated you poorly all this time. You need to get out. You need to get out now. _

You squinted your eyes together and let the tears fall down your cheeks. 

_ They will kill you if they find out. You need to take care of yourself for once. _

You don't know how long you stood there. You were ripped from your thoughts when you heard a distant knocking sound. You opened my eyes and gasped. It was Bucky. He looked at you with a smile, his hands 20 inches from your face. 

"It worked" he said. You could barely make out what he said, but you knew. You smiled widely and let the force field disappear. You laughed and pulled him into a tight hug. 

"_Non sibi, sed omnibus. _” you could feel Bucky chuckling at your latin, before pulling you in tighter. “Are you ready?" You said as you released him from the embrace. 

"Ready as I'll ever be, I think" he grinned and took your hand. 

You took a deep breath as you approached the window. You closed your eyes and repeated the same thoughts as before. You opened your eyes and stuck your unoccupied hand forth. You hit a barrier before you hit the window. You were overwhelmed by your success, but you kept a straight face.

_ It worked! _

You smiled and looked at Bucky. He looked uneasy, but you knew he trusted you. He squeezed your hand as a last confirmation. 

You let your thoughts focus on the window in front of you. It disappeared and the water cascaded down around the force field. You gasped and closed your eyes, focusing on keeping the force field secure in place, as the water flooded inside. 

You opened your eyes and put your hand out, motioning the force field to move forward. You commanded the force field to move forward, and it certainly did. You were both pushed back by the force when the field shot forward. You giggled and sat down. 

"So, where are we going?" Bucky asked you. You shrugged and bit your lip. 

"I don't know. I think my distress signal to the Avengers went through... Maybe we should stay close, you know, in case they show up." You looked at your watch and sighed. It had been seven hours since you attempted to contact the Avengers. 

If they had heard it, they would be here soon, if they weren't already here. 

"Let's try flying!" Bucky exclaimed and you laughed. 

"We need to get further from the base first. At least if we don't want to get caught earlier than necessary."

You pushed the bubble further away from the base and then focused on bringing it up. 

The force field broke the surface of the water and you looked around. 

You were at least a mile from the base, and you broke out into a gleaming smile. 

"I did it" you said to yourself. Bucky heard you and patted your back. 

"You did," he smiled at you and pulled you into a tight hug "thank you." he whispered. 

You felt the tightness of the hug convert itself into a blush creeping up your cheeks. 

It had been that long since you’d felt appreciation. You’d almost forgot how it felt. But this felt good. 

You giggled and retreated from the hug, and Bucky let out a gasp when he realized you were at least 30 feet in the air. From here you could see all the way to Saint Petersburg. 

You brought the force field down next to a lighthouse close to the fort you just escaped from. You looked around before making the force field vaporize and letting you both breathe in the salty air around you.

"Who knew a breath could be that freeing" Bucky joked and you both laughed, and you agreed. 

"We better stay under the radar in case something happens." you searched the lighthouse thoroughly and waved him inside. 

"No one's here. Let's just relax and wait for a while. I'm exhausted and I'm starving." you groaned and plopped down in an old chair. Bucky followed you and you closed your eyes while you let your head fall back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Non sibi, sed omnibus - not for ones self, but for all


	9. lostmyhead

"Undefined object detected in the lower troposphere." F.R.I.D.A.Y. reported.

"It could be them. Right?" Steve’s head shot up from where he had been sulking for the past three hours. “It has to be them. Right?” he asked the other Avengers in the quinjet, and Tony on the interface. They all looked at him with a hopeful look. He sighed and laid his head back on his hand, resuming his position.

"Possibly. Let's hope so Steve. F.R.I.D.A.Y, analysis" Tony answered and increased his speed. They followed suit in the quinjet, and Steve glanced down into the ocean below them. He silently wished with all his heart that it was Bucky. 

"Analysis complete. Object identified. Forcefield. Carrying two people. It has landed on a secluded island with a lighthouse." F.R.I.D.A.Y. reported into their earpieces and they all exchanged gazes. 

"It's them" Steve breathed. He paced back and forth in the quinjet as he pushed his hand through his hair. "Are we there yet?" he asked Nat with anticipation. 

"We should arrive in less than ten minutes" Nat reassured him. Steve walked back to the front of the quinjet and plopped down in one of the unoccupied seats in front of the panorama glass.

"I'm here" Tony's voice sounded over the interface. "I'm just waiting for your lazy asses"

"Don't go in without me soda can" Steve joked at him and received a laugh in return. 

"You're gonna regret that when we come back Cap" Nat laughed, and he shrugged in return. 

"I just wanna get him home now" Steve said as they descended onto the small island with the quinjet. 

Steve hurried out and approached Tony who had left his suit to appear more welcoming. Steve looked up and sighed before walking over and tapped the door. 

"Very gentleman-like" Tony joked, and Steve shot him a glare. 

"I don't want to scare her off. I'm here to get Bucky, and possibly to bring her back. I don't want to come on too strong. And I see you don't intend on that either" Steve spat at him and he put his hands up and smiled.

Steve whipped around as the door cracked open. He put his shield against the building and threw his arms into the darkness and pulled both silhouettes out into the light in a tight embrace. 

"Oh my god you two. What the fuck" He almost sobbed and then let them free of his choking hold. Bucky smiled and patted his shoulder. Steve looked at you and you looked down, clearly embarrassed. 

"Hey. You're safe now. We're taking you back with us. We'll protect you. Don't worry." He reassured you and hugged you again. You broke down in his arms and Steve just held you while stroking your back. 

Tony laid a hand on Steve’s shoulder and he looked at him. "We gotta go" Tony mouthed.

Steve lifted you and you relaxed into his chest as he carried you onboard. Steve knew you were unsure of the situation, but he did everything he could to make it more comfortable for you. 

Bucky and Steve sat with you during the ride back to New York, and you slept through the whole ride. You must've been drained of energy, because you didn't wake when they arrived back at the tower. Steve carried you from the quinjet, down the elevator and into the living quarters of the tower.

Bucky and Steve tucked you in in one of the unoccupied rooms, which Tony had assigned to be your new room. Steve hoped with all his heart you were up for a chat tomorrow, and that you would answer everything Tony had in mind to get to know you better. 

Bucky and Steve left your room and headed towards one of the giant kitchens in the tower. Steve grabbed a glass from one of the upper cabinets and filled it with cold water. He gulped it all down and turned to face Bucky. 

"Has she said anything?" Steve questioned him. He looked Steve straight in the eye and nodded. 

"She told me everything. Well, all up until like... when she was injected. With the serum. She has abilities Steve. Like Wanda does. Mind control. And she can make force fields. That's how she saved us... but I think that is up for her to tell us tomorrow. If she's up for it." Bucky shot him a small smile and yawned slightly. 

Steve nodded before taking a deep breath. “I missed you, Buck. I was afraid I was gonna lose you again.” the last part came out as a sob. Bucky quickly wrapped Steve in his arms, holding him as tight as he possibly could manage. Steve felt his shoulder wetten slightly, his arms tightening around Bucky’s middle as they cried together, gripping on to anything they could manage. 

As they finally came down from their emotional rollercoaster ride and pulled apart, Bucky used his sleeve to wipe his nose. "I'll just head to bed. I'm exhausted. She told me I was out for like one and a half day. I haven't had a solid meal since before we went on that mission." Steve nodded and hugged him tightly once more. 

"I'm so happy I found you, Buck. Thank god nothing happened to you" his arms wrapped around Steve’s body yet again as he hugged him back. 

"Thanks for coming back for me" he whispered, backing away from Steve’s embrace and walked down the hall to his bedroom. Tony walked into the kitchen seconds later.

"F.R.I.D.A.Y. make me a cup of coffee please" He said and approached Steve. They exchanged glances. 

"Do you think we can trust her?" Tony asked, and reached for the newly made coffee. 

"I don't think we can, I know. But before we try anything, we need her to trust us. And my intuition tells me either Bucky, Wanda or I are the ones with the greatest chance of earning her trust after all this neglect. I'll watch her tonight, just to be sure." Steve suggested Tony, and he nodded. 

Steve walked back to the room where you were sleeping, and his eyes widened when he realized you weren't where they had left you.


	10. a change of heart

You had dozed off for a short while, but you were awakened by Bucky. 

"It's them" Bucky shot up in the chair. You heard a faint tapping on the door to the lighthouse.

You quickly grew unsure of the situation and grabbed Bucky's hand when he shot up to hurry down the small passageway.

"Buck... I don't know... What if I get killed? Or... recaptured by HYDRA..." you shot your gaze down and Bucky took your hand. "I don't want to die, Bucky." You looked up at him and he smiled at you. You clenched your jaw and squeezed your eyes shot, then took a deep breath and nodded. 

"You won't, darling. You're safe now."

"Okay.” you hesitated for a short while. “I trust you. But, there's something I've got to do first." you grabbed the small butterfly knife hidden at your waist and flipped it open. Bucky’s eyes widened as he watched you

You placed your hand at the back of your neck and felt the small protrusion of skin. Bringing the knife up, you lodged the tip of the knife under the small disc and flicked the small device onto the table. 

"What is that?" Bucky asked and admired the small contraption. 

"It's a GPS tracker. You know, so HYDRA can track every move I make" you turned back to where the knocking had come from and motioned for Bucky to follow you. You closed the butterfly knife and lodged it back under your belt.

You walked down the short passageway together, and Bucky opened the door. Before you knew it, a strong pair of arms had pulled you and Bucky into a tight embrace and out of the lighthouse. 

"Oh my god you two. What the fuck" you felt all the color leave your face and your heart drop in your chest. You just stood there, motionless in his arms. Steve let you go and you looked at the ground in front of your feet. You didn't know how to feel about yourself, but the feelings ranged from deep guilt to awful shame. 

"Hey. You're safe now. We're taking you back with us. We'll protect you. Don't worry." Steve said and threw his arms around you in another embrace. 

You suddenly felt the wall of emotions crash down around you, and you broke down crying in his arms. He stroked your back, which didn't improve your state at all. 

Everything came flushing back into your head, all the good memories of you as children, as teens and all the way up to where you left them in 1940. You felt your body being lifted off the ground and you simply fell into the warm chest and relaxed into the strong arms. Steve sat you down in a chair gently, and you succumbed to the heaviness of your eyes as you fell into a slumber. 

You woke up in an unfamiliar room. It smelled like newly washed laundry and lavender, the scent filling your nostrils as you took a deep breath. The lights were dimmed, so you could partly make out the interior of the room. It was much bigger than you’d ever seen a bedroom before, and there were more doors than you were used to. The windows stood tall, the night sky glimmering at you through thin inner curtains drawn over the glass.

Your head shot to the doorknob as it jiggled in the door, and you jumped into the corner of the room, just under the ceiling, when you the door silently opened. Steve walked into the room and his eyes widened at the apparent emptiness of the room. You sighed and returned back to the floor in front of him.

"It's just you…” you let out a deep sigh, running a hand down your face. “I thought someone from HYDRA was actually coming to kidnap or kill me" you sat down on the edge of the bed. Steve just stood there in silence, and you looked up at him. He stared at you in awe and you cocked your head at him. 

"You... you can fly" he stammered. 

"Well... I wouldn’t exactly call it flying, I guess. Maybe hovering?" you bit the inside of your cheek. "Okay, maybe I can fly" you shrugged, and he sat down beside you. "Where am I? What is this place?" you looked around the dimly lit room you were sitting in. 

"You're at the Avengers headquarters. You're going to be just fine here, and even more important, you're going to be safe here. Bucky's here, I'm here... And then there are all the other Avengers. They'll keep you safe. They'll help you fit in just fine here, don't worry." He told you. You looked up at him and he smiled at you. You felt his intention, and it was good. You smiled back at him and sighed.

"I know you're telling the truth. Or well... That you're not hiding anything," you giggled and continued. "I can sorta feel that stuff. Umm... I can tell you more about it tomorrow. I'm exhausted. I haven't slept for like... I can't remember." you shifted on the bed and climbed under the covers. You looked up at Steve, and he gave you a reassuring smile. You reached your hand out to him. “It smells nice in here. I like lavender.”

“I know. I remember. I told them what you liked as we were flying home,” you could see Steve’s pearly whites smiling at you, and you felt your heart flutter.

“That was kind of you.” you offered him a smile in return, and he grabbed your hand, squeezing it reassuringly before laying it on the bed. 

“I’ll see you in the morning?” he said as he turned to leave.

"Please stay," you spoke quickly, eyes widening at your forwardness. "I mean, here. In the room. If you don't mind?" Steve turned to the bed where you laid and nodded. He then shut the door gently and turned the lights off. You blushed in the dark as you heard the sound of wood scraping over wood. 

Then, you felt a hand take yours. 

“Thank you,” you whispered into the darkness.

"Of course." Steve replied. He sat down in the chair he pulled over beside the bed. You closed your eyes and fell asleep quicker than ever. 


	11. give yourself a try

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: slight anxiety attack

The next morning you woke up to the sun was gleaming into the room. In the daze of your slumber, you realized a hand was clutching yours. Steve was sound asleep in an awfully awkward position in the padded armchair next to your bed. You smiled and managed to sit up, still holding onto Steve's hand. You pushed his shoulder gently to awaken him, and he let out a groan. His hand raised itself to the back of his neck as he opened his eyes and winced.

"I've slept like absolute garbage" Steve muttered and then scratched the back of his head. 

"I slept like a dream. Like I was on a cloud. Holy shit. This bed is so soft and comfortable" you smiled.

"Language" Steve warned you, and you stuck your tongue at him.

"Still not fond of cursing?” you laughed and finally let go of his hand as you realized you were still holding it. 

"Nope." He laughed and rose from the chair. "I'm still an old man, you know"

"I'm only a year younger than you Rogers, remember that" you said in all seriousness and he laughed again, and you looked around the room. 

"What is here? Like... I'm not assuming you know my size in clothing or my taste in music or books..." you trailed off as your eyes landed on a framed photo on the dresser by the door. 

You rose from the bed, walked over to the picture and held it in front of you. You felt your heart drop and let out a sob. You gripped the frame tightly, a tear landing on the glass. You fell to your knees on the floor as you admired the picture.

It was an old picture of you, Bucky and Steve before the war. Back when everything was normal. Or, as normal as things were. You traced your fingers over your faces as more tears fell on the glass before you. You felt a hand on your shoulder as Steve kneeled beside you. 

"I've kept every memory I've ever found over the years in an old box. I thought you'd like it, you know, as a welcome present. But... I'm sorry if it triggered something" He stroked your back and you looked up at him with tears in your eyes.

"It's perfect. I love it. Thank you" he helped you rise to your feet and you hugged him tightly. His embrace was so unknown, yet so familiar. 

“What happened to you? You’re not the scrawny little boy from Brooklyn I used to know. I mean… It’s his face, but…” you could feel Steve giggling in your arms, but the clearing of a throat brought you apart. Bucky stood in the door with his goofy side smirk.

“He joined the army back in ‘43,” The brunette answered, opening his arms, inviting you in. You walked up and hugged him tightly, as if he was sand in your hand you didn't want slipping out. 

"Sam made you breakfast. He can't wait to meet you" Bucky said as you loosened your killer grip. 

"Who the hell is Sam?" you asked and walked back to the dresser to place the photo in its original position. "And do I have some clean clothes?" you smiled and faced the two men before you. Your hand rose to the back of your neck and you sighed in relief. There was a small band-aid where there would be a cut from the GPS tracker. 

"He's the Falcon. He stitched you up in the jet. He was in the Air Force once, just so you know. Don't talk about it unless he starts the conversation. He lost his wingman in combat." Steve told you, and you nodded. "Stay here, I'll go find you one of my shirts and a pair of shorts for you to wear" Steve said, and you nodded again. Steve left, and you sat down on the bed with your legs crossed under you.

"What about… the others? Steve told me there were others here. And that they would protect me? Would you tell me about the others while we wait?" you asked Bucky, who had stayed. 

"Umm... Tony is the Iron Man, and like the boss here. He owns the building and… has a lot of money.” you nodded, making a mental note to thank him. 

“Natasha is like the second in charge. If Tony leaves, you report to her. She's probably the best assassin in the world" you cocked an eyebrow at him and laughed. 

"Rhodes has a suit, kind of like Tony. They call him War Machine. He was in the Air Force once too.” you nodded, trying to imagine these suits before you. You had faintly seen Tony’s suit when they had escorted you off the island.

“Bruce is a scientist and the Hulk. A big green angry thing? But he can be a normal person too. He sometimes functions as a makeshift doctor.” you nodded, also making a note of that in your head.

“Umm... Wanda is kind of like you. You know this psionic stuff. She can make things float and stuff too. And do those cool force field things" you nodded and tried to compare your powers with these small details. "That mind thing you do, she can do that too, I think. I also think you would be great friends; I'm thinking your abilities are great together in combat." Bucky smiled at you and you smiled back.

"Cool." you said and fiddled with your hands. 

"Thor, the God of Thunder… You’ll need to make that impression for yourself. He’s nice, but…” Bucky trailed off and you offered him another smile. 

“Umm... Clint, he's a pretty good archer. Little spider dude, I think his name is Peter. He’s new."

Steve waltzed in with three different shirts and a pair of shorts tucked into his own pants.

"Hey, I didn't know what kind of shirt you like, so I brought you some to choose from." He tossed them on the bed beside you and you looked them over. You picked one and looked up at the men in front of you.

"I'll just take a shower and I'll be right down" you smiled and motioned to the guys with your hand.

"Oh, we'll leave you to it" Bucky stammered, grabbed Steve's arm and hurried out the door, closing it behind him. 

You smiled to yourself and pulled the dirty tank top over your head. You looked around the room again and approached the door which revealed a small bathroom. You sighed happily and finished undressing. You stood under the warm water longer than you should, feeling the dirt and shame wash off you. 

You suddenly felt a surge of nausea flow through your body and you quickly stumbled out of the shower, concentrating on not slipping as your wet feet padded over the tiles quickly. You hung your head over the toilet, the sound of your dry heaving silenced by the shower running. You felt the tears running down your cheeks as you gripped the apex of your thighs, nails digging crescent moons into the soft skin.

You heard your stomach growl angrily, and you let out another sob, rising to your feet before silently trudging back into the shower, letting the warm water fall over your face. You knew it would take more to cleanse you completely, but for now, the scalding water sure did a good job. Your nails scraped over your stomach as you furiously scrubbed the soap off your body, leaving angry red streaks in their wake. 

“Stupid, stupid, stupid” you gritted through your teeth as your hand collided with your forehead multiple times, drawing more tears from your eyes.

As you worked on rinsing the shampoo out of your hair, the knots and tangles only made you see red. You angrily tried combing out the tangles with your fingers, but you ended up on the floor, arms tightly wrapped around your legs as you gave into the next wave of tears. You rocked back and forth on your hipbones, crying silently, tears mixing with the shower, still running.

You finally dragged yourself off the floor and finished your shower in a fit of tears, drying yourself off before throwing Steve's shirt over your head and pulling the shorts up, tying them around your waist. You gathered yourself in front of the mirror, angrily combing through your knotted, wet hair, sighing as you clenched your jaw tightly.

“Get your shit together! This is gonna be good! This _is_ good!” you yelled at your reflection before you walked out of your room, on your quest to locate the kitchen.


	12. settle down

Bucky looked up at the figure coming around the corner and standing in the doorway to the kitchen. He noticed your mood immediately.

"Hi Buck" you nervously said and chewed on your lip.

"Hey" he said to you and smiled. "Come sit, Sam made you pancakes." He quickly decided against asking what had happened.

Your face lit up as you sat down beside him and looked around the kitchen, taking in the new surroundings. You felt a hand come to rest on your knee, and you let out a breath as you smiled at Bucky.

"Hey you, I'm Sam. You must be (y/n)." Sam extended his hand over the kitchen island, and you grabbed it tightly. 

"Hi Sam, it's nice to meet you. Thank you for the pancakes." you smiled at him and let go of his hand, grabbing the knife beside you and cutting the pancakes to bite-sized pieces. 

"This is heavenly!" you exclaimed with your mouth full of pancake. Bucky smiled at Sam and he gave him a hidden thumbs up. Bucky had told Sam about how you, in the good old days, would enjoy your Saturday mornings together, the three of you, in either of your parents' kitchens. You would always make a bunch of pancakes, and Bucky knew Sam's pancakes would compare to those you used to make. 

"So, (y/n)... Rhodes wants to talk with you today. About you. If you're up for it, that is. He's good enough, and you should be fine. Natasha is going to be there, too. It's going to be alright." Bucky looked at you and you found his eyes as you swallowed the pancake in your mouth. Bucky poked his fork into a few pieces of the pancake on your plate and quickly shoved the pieces into his mouth, much to your surprise. Your mouth fell open and you hit his shoulder. Bucky laughed and gave you a wink, and you answered by poking out her tongue at him.

"I'll talk to Rhodes and Natasha. I want to stay here. With you guys. I want to be safe. And off the radar. Do you know what they'll ask me?" you asked him with a concern blossoming in your heart. Bucky shook his head.

"It's all up to them, but I'm thinking they'll ask about your past and what you remember from your time at HYDRA. Kind of like what you told me when we were waiting for them to come get us. I don't think you need to worry. They're nice people. They'll go easy on you, I hope." Bucky smiled and reassured you. You nodded and continued chomping down the pancakes. Steve walked into the kitchen and put a few shopping bags on the counter.

"Clothes. For you, (y/n). I had Nat go fetch something for you until you're ready to leave yourself. There should be all sorts of things. Tops, shorts, pants. Underwear. And if you need anything else right now, you can order it online. You know your size best." Steve smiled at you and you returned it and nodded. 

"Thank you, Steve. I'll make sure to thank Natasha when I see her for the talk." you smiled and looked through the bags. "Oh, I love this color." you said calmly and pulled out a burgundy hoodie. You unzipped the hoodie and put it on. "This is so soft. I'm going to live in this forever." you smiled and finished eating your pancakes. "Thank you again for this Sam, it was truly a delight." you offered him a grateful smile and he nodded and took your plate. 

"I'll clean up after you. You can go change and prep yourself for the talk." he smiled and you grabbed the bags off the counter and slowly made your way back to your room. 

"So, how do you think this talk is going to fan out?" Bucky asked Steve and he shrugged at his question.

"I honestly don't know, Buck. What I do know, is that Nat is all about welcoming her here, and keeping her safe. We talked it over when we met up after she had come home from shopping. I'm not so sure about Rhodes, though. He seemed very rejective of the idea of bringing a HYDRA agent into the facility, especially considering we know her and that she may bring HYDRA here." Steve told him, and he nodded. 

"She told me that she wanted to stay here, with us, safe from HYDRA. I don't know if she's lying, but I trust her. I may trust her blindly, that's for her to determine. But for now, I believe every word she says. So, until she proves me wrong... I trust her." Bucky said and looked Steve dead in the eye. He nodded and agreed. Sam looked between them and caught the topic of the conversation.

"I like her. I think we should keep her. What did you say she was capable of again?" He asked and Bucky rolled his eyes. 

"She's not a pet, Sam. She chooses if she wants to stay. You don't get to keep her." Bucky and Steve both laughed and he nodded. 

"That sounded totally wrong, sorry." He laughed again and proceeded to clean up after breakfast.

"I think she needs to tell us about her powers. Not me. I only know like, a fraction of what she's capable of. Maybe she'll fight you, so you get a first-hand impression" Bucky smiled, and Sam’s face fell. 

Steve and Bucky let out a simultaneous laugh and looked at each other, the leaving the kitchen. Bucky decided he wasn’t going to ignore the way you had looked when you first came to breakfast.

“y/n?” He said softly as he knocked on your half-open door. You sat on the floor, new clothes strewn around you as you looked them all over, feeling the material against your skin.

“Yes?” you said, voice small. He motioned for your bed, and you nodded. He sat down on the end of the bed, placing his underarms on his knees.

“Are you okay? You… looked like something happened before breakfast. Do you want to talk about it?” He asked cautiously. He watched as you shook your head, letting out a small huff of laughter.

“I just felt… helpless. Powerless. Like i didn’t have a place in this world anymore. I know it sounds stupid. It’s like I’ve forgotten what life was like without somebody controlling me. The freedom came crashing into me like a tidal wave.” 

“I don’t think it sounds stupid. I felt the same way after the clearing of my mind in Wakanda. It was such a relief, but it definitely feels like you shouldn’t be here.” he sighed, but continued. “I should have died in the war. This shouldn’t have happened. Hydra, this arm… All the years of killing and torture.” He looked out of your window. 

You rose slowly, arms opening slightly as you approached him. He opened his as he nodded, and you wrapped your arms around him tightly, pushing your fingers through his hair, nails grazing over his scalp lightly. You heard him mutter into your stomach, and you pulled back and told him to repeat himself.

“You’ve always known how to make me feel better.” He smiled up at you, leaning into your hand. “You have a date soon,” he reminded you and you nodded. “Thank you. For having that much energy to help me when you’re dealing with your own.”


	13. inside your mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: recollections of rape.

You found yourself in a small room, which just had a table and four chairs. In front of you sat Rhodes, and behind him, Natasha was admiring you.

"So... Would you like to introduce yourself?" Rhodes asked you, and you shrugged. "Well, you've got to, if you want a chance here" 

Natasha's eyes bore into the back of Rhodes' head and you laughed lightly at the thoughts that flew around in the room. 

You could tell Rhodes wanted you to fuck up so he could put you in bad standing to the rest of the group. 

"My name is (y/n) (y/l/n). I'm one hundred and a few months old" you smirked. "I was born in Brooklyn in 1919. My mothers' name was Dorothy and my fathers' name was Edward." you looked at nothing in front of you. 

You remembered the last time you saw your parents together and you bit the inside of your cheek as you felt your heart fall in your chest. 

"My father was taken by HYDRA when Schmidt joined the Nazi party... They just snatched him off the streets one day, and we never saw him again. I don't know what happened to him, or to his body." you kept a straight face, despite the feeling of your heart wrenching in your chest. You didn't want to look either in the eye.

"When my father was taken my family fell short on money. We had always come by, but my father was the one keeping everything in check. So... One day when I was walking home from a meet up in town, some jerk offered me 5 bucks for a blow behind a dumpster. I agreed and... I made it some kind of hobby." you shrugged and recalled the faint memories. 

"One day in... 1942 I think, one of the men I often had encounters with sought my company and wanted to take my hand in marriage.I’d gotten to know him and stuff like that, but i would never… Not when I was in love with someone else." you let out a soft laugh. "So I couldn't, of course... But he wouldn't take no for an answer... He... um..." you shut your eyes and threw your head back to redirect a tear. You felt your stomach churn, the pancakes tossing their way through your stomach. You took a deep breath and continued. 

"He drugged me and proceeded to rape me while threatening me... Suddenly he just snapped. I don’t know what came over him. His eyes were just… distant. I struggled against his hold while he choked me. I was slipping in and out of consciousness… I felt his weight on top of me… I felt him inside me... Then he broke a bottle and proceeded to stab me with it, multiple times" you let your head fall and your gaze landed on your hands in your lap. 

You whimpered softly and tried to collect yourself. As you sucked in a few breaths, the feeling came back. A pain shot through the uneven scarring on your stomach. You could almost feel the thrusts of him as he forced himself into you, time and time again. 

You felt a hand on your shoulder, and you could hear the thoughts of the person. 

Natasha's thoughts were all over the place. You could feel the protectiveness in her thoughts, along with her trying to figure out the best way to calm you down. 

Rhodes on the other hand, was a tougher cookie to crack. His thoughts weren't the nicest you’d ever heard, and there was no such thing as pity or compassion to be found. 

You felt his gaze on you, trying to see through you, as if you were telling a lie. 

You looked up and looked Rhodes dead in the eye. "He left me for dead and didn't care what happened to me."

"And what about these abilities I'm hearing about?" Rhodes asked coldly. 

"I was born with them. I'm learning to understand the different things I'm capable of. Never had a chance to do that before." you told him and scoffed. There was just no way around this man.

"Why don't you list up a few things you're capable of?" He asked me dryly, and you cocked your head at him. He started heavily shivering, and then proceeded to shift uncomfortably in his chair, sweat running down his face, as if he was in a hundred-degree weather.

"I just made your body think you were in Antarctica, and then the Sahara." you bit your lip. 

"That's, of course, not all though" you focused on a few of the papers scattered across the table and figured out which was the most important ones. You let the rest go up in flames. 

Rhodes raised his eyebrow at you, and you smiled. You slowly stood up and proceeded to walk up the wall and sit upside down on the ceiling. Natasha let out a small laugh and you smiled at her. 

"And I'm just getting started." you held your hands out in front of you and created a small bubble of a force field. You dropped it on the table, and it sank through, like it was dipped in acid. 

"I could, of course, go into depth with my powers but I don't want this place to blow up. I like it here." you said and repositioned yourself in the chair in front of Rhodes. You focused on the hole you had made in the table and slowly made the molecules regenerate themselves to fix up the table. He looked at you dumbfounded and Natasha just smiled. 

"Thank you for the clothes, Natasha. They fit like a dream. And you've got great taste" you smiled at her and she returned your smile.

"You're welcome. And welcome to the tower. I think you're going to fit in just great."


	14. the ballad of me and my brain

"So, (y/n)" Rhodes started again. You'd had a small break from the interrogation. Well, maybe it wasn’t an interrogation, but it certainly felt like it. "Tell me about your time at HYDRA."

"I told you about my encounter with an old... client of mine..." you looked down and sighed. "Arnim Zola found me, lying there on the cold ground..." you halted, overthinking your next words.

"I... HYDRA used me to keep track of the Winter Soldier when he was out and about. To... make sure he didn't fall out. So they could make sure he would always return... They only made me do that after the assassination of Howard Stark. He started working against the treatment." you shot your gaze down to the table in front of you. 

“They knew it was only a matter of time before they couldn’t control him anymore. He was growing stronger. Harder to crack. He started remembering. He would call out my name. Steve’s name.”

You felt the heat rising to your cheeks and you bit your lip. You shook your head and recognized a thought that flew into your head. 

Bucky. 

You knew he was listening to your conversation, and you could hear the confusion in the thoughts he left lingering in the air around you. 

You looked up at Natasha and gave her a hint in her thoughts. Her eyes widened as she realized you put the thought there. 

She opened her mouth to say something but restrained. She spun on her heel and opened the door slightly. You heard a faint exchange of whispers but decided against eavesdropping. You sniffled and looked at Rhodes. 

"Bucky was eavesdropping." you told him, and he looked at you and nodded. 

Natasha walked back into the room after closing the door behind her. You heard Bucky's thoughts grow fainter and you knew he had left.

"So, I have followed him around for like two decades..." you bit your lip and straightened in the chair. 

"Even when he went into hiding in Bucharest, I was there. Not under the influence by HYDRA.” you sighed, “Well, they didn't give me orders to keep an eye on him, but they just let me leave. To this day it still confuses me" you stared at nothing in the room and sighed. 

"Maybe they knew I knew him, maybe they knew he was there... Maybe..." you shook your head. "So many fucking maybes..." 

"You were aware that you knew him during all this?" Natasha questioned you and you shrugged.

"I don't recall thinking about it... I don't think it mattered to me. He was my job. My target. I mean, sometime along the way I realized I did, but I never sought to tell him before now" you answered and bit your lip.

"I think we're done for now" Natasha told you, and you nodded. Rhodes started objecting, but Natasha shut him up, and let you leave. 

You had grabbed a thick blanket in your room before venturing out to explore the tower. 

You found many different rooms and stumbled upon the conference room. Steve and Bucky were seated in two chairs across from each other, having a deep conversation, it appeared. 

You hid behind one of the pillars and closed your eyes. You took a deep breath as you tried to decide whether or not to eavesdrop. Your curiousness got the best of you. You bit your lip and focused on the air in the conference room and let the voices flow into your head. 

One by one, the sentences started to flow together, coherency joining the words into matter.

"... and that she was used by HYDRA to follow my every move... Steve, I don't know what to do about it. I feel so... over watched. So... controlled." you heard Bucky tell Steve and your heart dropped.

"Buck, you know better than anyone how things are, when you're working for HYDRA. I don't think -" Steve started talking, but your mind suddenly turned unresponsive. You made a mental note that emotional distress could cause your powers to glitch.

You let out a sob and left your hiding spot behind the pillar. You’d heard enough already. 

You weren’t sure if your disappearance from the tower went unnoticed, but from your hiding spot behind some wall by the helipad you appreciated the silence, just for now. 

You sobbed uncontrollably and snuggled deeper into the blanket. 

You wished the world would just swallow you whole, right where you sat. It would hurt less.

The sun was setting, and you took the sight of the New York skyline bathed in orange, pink and blue shades. 

You took a deep breath as you calmed yourself, unsuccessfully. 

The tears continued to stream down your cheeks as you watched the sun slowly descending. 

The ledge of the building seemed very inviting at the moment. You fought against the voice inside your head. 

Your mind wandered back to Bucky sitting on your bed. Your fingers running through his hair, his hands grasping the back of your thighs as you comforted him. 

_ You’ve always known how to make me feel better. _

The words echoed in your head and you let out another sob. 

Even when you had nothing, you had Bucky. Even though he was mostly kept in cryo, you were still checking up on him. Spending hours by his capsule. As many as you could, that is.

If no guards were around, you would pretend he could talk back. Talk about the good old times. Talk about your feelings for him. 

You felt your heart leap in your chest as your hand found your lips. The feeling lingered there. You closed your eyes and played it again.

The best day of your life.

Your thoughts were too occupied to focus on anything, so when you felt a presence right beside you, almost sitting on your lap, you freaked out.

That was until you looked up, your eyes widening.


	15. so far (it's alright)

There was nothing. No one was there, and your breath caught in your throat. You closed your eyes. 

_ Show yourself.  _

You commanded and waited a short moment before opening your eyes. 

You looked around you and your eyes focused on the edge of the helipad. 

A figure was seated there, and you cocked your head. 

You gathered your thoughts and decided on approaching the figure. 

You rose from your position behind the wall and slowly walked over. 

You sat down beside the figure, who turned out to be an elderly man. 

His hair was grey, and his face was calm, and inviting. On the bridge of his nose rested a pair of black glasses, and under his nose grew a white thin beard.

"Hi" you said quietly, not knowing what to say to the man. He smiled at you, and you glanced out at the New York skyline. 

"It gets better, you know" He said to you, and you looked at him, dumbfounded.

"Who are you?" you questioned him, but he ignored it.

"It gets better, and easier with time" He replied, and you shook your head.

"But how? I have nothing. I have no one. This new place, these new people... It's just such a radical change for me. I don't feel like I belong" you felt the tears well back up into your eyes. He took your hand and you looked at him.

“As long as you’re half, you’re not whole. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to find the light.” his hand tightened around yours before he continued. 

“In the light, you’ll find the truth. And in the meeting with truth, you can become whole. In silence, there is only death, and the worries that holds you down is just life calling you on an adventure. No matter what others say about you, and how you feel about yourself, coward or brave, you will always be part of something bigger.” his words astounded you. You sniffled and he continued.

"You know, you're not going to be able to change what has happened in the past, and the actions you have done. But by leaving HYDRA and saving this man, you have changed your present for good." you bit your lip, still looking at the elderly man. 

"You're going to fit right in here, just give it time and don't hold back. Show them what you're capable of." He reassured you and gave you a pat on the shoulder. 

The presence vanished and you looked around, confused. 

He was gone. 

You tried to puzzle every piece of the puzzle together, but to no avail. 

You couldn't figure out who he was, or what his intentions were. 

You sat there for what felt like hours, before rising from the helipad to saunter back to your room, hopefully going unnoticed. 

You sighed when you closed the door behind you and slid down the wood. You looked around the room and took a deep breath. 

This didn't feel like you. You hadn't had a proper bed in many decades. You hadn't had a room bigger than 10 ft by 10 ft. You had never had any personal belongings. 

You let out a sob as you reached for the picture seated on your drawer. 

You caressed the frame and let your finger slide over the features of your faces. 

You closed your eyes and imagined what life would have been like if your father hadn't been captured, if Bucky hadn't joined the army, and if you hadn't been attacked. 

You could've been so normal... so fucking normal… you sighed and rose from the floor, putting the picture back on the drawer, and looking at the clock on you bedside table. 

02:32 am. 

You had been on the roof for six whole hours. 

You threw the blanket on your bed, and stalked out into the hallway, knowing your stealth abilities would come in handy, when sneaking around the tower at night. 

You snuck into the kitchen to make yourself a cup of tea, feeling the cold creeping up in your cells and tickling your nose. 

You searched through the cabinets for a cup, a teabag and some honey as the water boiled in the kettle. 

You grabbed the kettle before it let out the beep, signaling that it was done, so your late-night adventure wouldn't wake up the rest of the team. 

You made your tea in a mug and seated yourself on the counter. 

You collected your thoughts and sipped the liquid, while wondering who the old man on the helipad was, and how he just disappeared. 

You shook your head and thought about what he had said to you. 

That you changed your present for good... You wonder what it meant. 

What had you changed other that escaping the meaningless torture and brainwashing? Freedom, maybe...

You sipped your tea and felt your body come down from the emotional rollercoaster it had been riding since this morning. 

You placed the empty cup by the sink and snuck back to your room and crept under the covers. 

You closed your eyes, feeling the anxiety creep up under your skin, as your body shivered under the blanket. 

The darkness around you felt like it was either closing in or expanding by millions. 

It was unbearable. 

You tossed and turned in the bed for what felt like hours. You glanced at the clock again, and sighed. 

It was barely four am and you were starting to grow frustrated about the insomnia hitting you once again. 

It had always been like this, you losing many nights of sleep because of your emotions. 

You felt the pillow under you grow wet, and you realized you were crying again. 

You silenced your sobs with your blanket and slowly but surely drifted off into a light slumber.


	16. fallingforyou

Bucky passed by the room where he knew Rhodes and Natasha were conversing with you. He stopped right outside the door and listened to your soothing voice dropping details about your work at HYDRA.

"... keep track of the Winter Soldier when he was out and about... To... make sure he didn't fall out. So they could make sure he would always return... They only made me do that after the assassination of Howard Stark" Bucky felt his heart drop and bit his lip. “He started working against the treatment.” he heard you say, and he tightened his fists.

“They knew it was only a matter of time before they couldn’t control him anymore. He was growing stronger. Harder to crack. He started remembering. He would call out my name. Steve’s name.”

His heart churned. 

You had known who he was. 

Who he became. 

Who he turned out to be. 

Why didn’t he remember this?

You had been there. 

You had been through it all. 

You had watched his actions. 

Why had he never noticed you?

And why had you saved him? 

After everything he had done and every person he had wronged during that time? 

He heard the hurried footsteps approaching the door and it creaked open. Nat stuck her head out.

"Bucky, this conversation doesn't involve you" she whispered to him, and he rolled his eyes at her.

"She's talking about me. Shouldn't I be allowed to know what she's saying about me?" Bucky spit back in a low voice.

"She will talk with you about everything when she's ready, now you really have to leave!" She exclaimed and gave him a stare. 

He decided against picking a fight and left the corridor to find Steve.

Once he had found Steve, Bucky dragged him into one of the conference rooms in the tower. 

Bucky sighed and collected himself before opening his mouth.

Bucky explained to him what he had heard when he had passed by the room they were conversing, and Steve listened intensely, nodding and asking about Bucky's thoughts on this matter. 

"I told you how she told Natasha about the time she was captured and held by HYDRA... and that she was used by HYDRA to follow my every move... Steve, I don't know what to do about it. I feel so... over watched. So... controlled." Bucky told him, while feeling his heart beat out of his chest. 

Bucky felt so unsure of himself at this point, and he didn't know how Steve was going to react to his honesty.

"Buck, you know better than anyone how things are, when you're working for HYDRA." Steve assured him and continued. "I don't think she took her job personal. You know what she did for you. Even though she captured you and took you back, she still helped you escape" Steve assured him. 

"You said that you trust her, and that I should too, Bucky, and I'm doing that. For you. We can't give up on her. She needs us right now. New place, new people, new abilities... Or suppressed abilities coming back to the surface, that is... We can't give up on her." He reached his hand over the table and grabbed Bucky’s. 

Bucky looked at him and Steve offered him a smile. Bucky looked back down at the table and sighed. 

"She said that I would yell out for her. For you. Yell out your names.” He looked at Steve, whose face was distorted in thought.

“Steve, what if she doesn't want to stay? What if she just wants to leave me and you behind here... Jesus Steve, I lost her once and I don't want to lose her again. I need her here. I..." Bucky shot his gaze down and let out a sob. 

Steve rose from the chair and walked around the table to embrace him. 

Bucky let his guard down and sobbed into Steve’s shoulder. 

Steve stroked his back and Bucky clung onto his shirt. 

Bucky cried for what felt like an hour, but he had lost all sense of time. 

He collected himself and pulled back from Steve.

"Thank you Steve. For always being there" Bucky said to him and he smiled. 

"I'm with you to the end of the line, pal." He smiled back and patted his shoulder. "Go find her." Bucky nodded and left the conference room.

"Have you seen her lately?" Bucky asked Nat when she rounded a corner, papers in hand. She dropped the papers and jumped backwards.

"Jeez, Bucky, don't scare me like that!" She exclaimed. "Who?" she asked him and dropped down to collect the papers. 

"(y/n), who else?" he said sarcastically, and Nat rolled her eyes at him. 

"I don't know where she is. I haven't seen her since I let her go from the interrogation an hour ago." Bucky sighed and left Nat in the corridor. 

He looked through multiple rooms of the tower and sighed when he wasn't able to locate her. 

He decided against calling out your name, not wanting to alert the team. 

He looked into your room and sighed when he didn't find anything missing. 

He shook his head and left your room. 

He continued to walk around the tower for another half an hour or so until he ventured out on the helipad and found you sitting on the edge. 

He observed you for a while and heard you mumble to yourself. 

"... I have nothing. I have no one. This new place, these new people... It's just such a radical change for me. I don't feel like I belong" He bit his lip and felt his breath halt in his throat. 

He didn't know how to react to you just... expressing your feelings, and him eavesdropping to it. 

He walked back down the stairs and into his room, where he threw himself on his bed and frowned. 

He laid there for what felt like an eternity, until he heard silent footsteps in the hallway. 

If it hadn't been for the enhanced hearing, he wouldn't have heard it. 

He knew it was you. 

Not even Nat was that light on her feet. 

Minutes passed, and he heard the footsteps return down the hallway. 

He rose from his bed quietly and snuck down the hallway, into your room. 

He sat down beside your bed and watched your slow breathing, admiring your features. 

He felt the corners of his mouth tug up, and he closed his eyes, remembering back to the years you shared when growing up. Back to when you were both young and dumb.

Young and in love.


	17. is there somebody who can watch you

_ **1924** _

_ You had been playing in the garden, across the street from your parents' house, when three elder boys had approached you.  _

_ "Look at the little piggy-tail loser" The biggest of them said.  _

_ He was blocking the sun, being so wide around the stomach.  _

_ He grabbed one of your pigtails and yanked it downwards.  _

_ You had let out a loud gasp, and proceeded to cry forcefully. _

_ "Oh, she's a little cry baby too!" one of the other boys coaxed, pulling your other pigtail. _

_ "Stop!" You cried out and ran away from the boys, only for them to catch up to you, and corner you up against a tree.  _

_ "Are you scared, little cry baby? Do you want to go home to your mama?" The biggest of the boys said, and you nodded.  _

_ "Well, that's just too bad, I bet your mom is going to be disappointed when she sees you've ripped your little dress!" He laughed and the two boys grabbed your arms, holding you up against the tree.  _

_ You shut your eyes tightly, and prayed it wouldn't be that bad.  _

_ "Let her go!" you heard a new boys' voice behind the bullies. You pried your eyes open and gasped. _

_ "If it isn't Barnes and Rogers, the loser team! You here to recruit a new loser?" The biggest of them said and laughed wickedly.  _

_ You heard a faint thud, and the biggest of the bullies fell to the ground before you.  _

_ A blonde boy and a brunette boy stood before you, the brunette's hand raised and curled into a fist.  _

_ He must've hit the bully. The two other bullies let you go and you hurried over to the two boys that had just saved you.  _

_ "Yeah, and next time we won't be so gentle!" The small blonde boy yelled after them. _

_ "I'm Steve." the small blonde boy said. "And this is James." you smiled at them and thanked them. _

_ "I prefer Bucky!" The brunette boy said and rubbed his fist.  _

_ He smiled at you and you felt a blush creep up in your cheeks.  _

_ **1935** _

_ "So i think Chris actually likes me" you told your two best friends during lunch break.  _

_ Bucky's eyes rested on the table in front of him, and Steve's eyes widened.  _

_ "Chris is... Chris. I don't like him" Steve said and fiddled with the stem of his apple.  _

_ "I think he's just a philanderer. I know you've been crushing on this guy since freshman year, but he's a senior now and you're a sophomore... I just don't think he would take interest in someone younger. I mean, he's been with every willing junior and senior since he started, and he's always gone after the elder... I don't know, I wouldn't get my hopes up." Steve finally stopped his stream of talking and sought to Bucky for backup.  _

_ Bucky sat there lost in thought and finally snapped out of his thoughts when Steve hit his arm. _

_ "Yeah" Bucky just said. "What Steve said. I think it's pretty on point." Bucky's eyes landed on one of the flowers on your dress.  _

_ You sighed and rolled your eyes. _

_ "I bet you didn't even hear a word Steve said" you stuck your tongue at him and tensed when you felt a hand on your shoulder. _

_ "Mind if I join you for a short while?" Chris asked, and you looked up at him, dumbfounded.  _

_ "Um, yeah, sure thing!" you smiled and he sat down beside you, receiving glances from both Steve and Bucky.  _

_ "So, I was wondering if you wanted to meet up sometime? I heard there's a new movie coming out, and I was wondering if you were into some more spooky stuff," he smirked and you laughed uncomfortably. "It's an Alfred Hitchcock, it's called The 39 Steps" _

_ You looked up at Chris and nodded, "Yeah, I'll come see it with you. This Saturday sound good?" you asked with a smile.  _

_ "I'll pick you up." He swiftly kissed your cheek, winked and left.  _

_ Your cheeks reddened more than a tomato, and held your breath.  _

_ Steve looked over at Bucky who was clenching his jaw and rolling his eyes. _

_ "If you keep rolling your eyes, Barnes, they'll fall out of your head" you threatened.  _

_ The bell rang and you hurried out after swinging your leather-bound books over your shoulder. _

_ The movie was shit.  _

_ All of Chris' intentions were either touching, kissing or something even more inappropriate.  _

_ His hands would inch up under your dress hurriedly, fingers seeking your womanhood. _

_ You had pushed his hand away from under your dress at least 20 times, and you were starting to grow really mad.  _

_ You had grown tired in the middle of the movie. _

_ Chris had followed you out from the theatre, and had accosted you behind the building.  _

_ He had pushed way past your boundaries and had forced himself upon you.  _

_ One of his hand had fondled your breast while the other had slid inside your underwear, your heart beating furiously against your chest. _

_ “Come on, I know you want this... “ he’d spoken, “I know you’ve been looking at me for a while. Why not just give into me?” _

_ Your clenched fists had hit his chest, trying to push him off. _

_ You suddenly remembered what Bucky had told you. _

_ A man’s biggest weakness is between his legs. _

_ You lifted your leg, forcing your knee harshly into his groin. _

_ As you walked home from the movies you couldn't help but think Steve was right.  _

_ All Chris wanted to do was to bed you.  _

_ You felt the rain surrounding you as you walked closer to home, but you didn't want to face your father looking like an absolute mess.  _

_ You walked up on the porch to the house you knew so well.  _

_ You hesitated, but tapped the door reluctantly.  _

_ When the door opened you fell into the warm embrace and sobbed.  _

_ Bucky hugged you tightly and stroked your hair while you wept.  _

_ "It's alright, come on in, it's freezing." He rubbed your back as he led you into his house, past the living room where his family were seated.  _

_ He led you up to the grand bathroom and seated you on a stool by the shower.  _

_ "What happened tonight?" he asked, brows furrowed, as he wet a washcloth, and squatted down in front of you.  _

_ He wiped down the streaks of mascara that littered on your cheeks, and the smudged lipstick you had stolen from your mother.  _

_ "He was just like Steve had assumed. A philanderer. He forced himself on me. He was so strong. I didn't know what to do, so I kneed him in the groin and ran... here" you looked Bucky straight in the eyes and swallowed the lump in your throat.  _

_ He stroked your cheek and gave you a small smile.  _

_ You inched closer to him, awaiting his actions.  _

_ You could hear his breathing getting ragged and him growing nervous.  _

_ Your lips hovered over his as your noses grazed.  _

_ His eyes shut tightly as he drew in a deep breath. _

_ "It's getting late. You should head home before your mother becomes nervous." He said and cleared his throat.  _

_ He scooted backwards and hung the washcloth on the towel rail, before reaching his hand out to you and helping you to your feet.  _

_ You thanked him, and he followed you to the door.  _

_ "Do you want me to follow you home? It's not that far" He offered, and you nodded.  _

_ You didn't speak on the way, and when you were standing on the porch of your parents' house, you just looked everywhere else than each other.  _

_ You finally looked at Bucky and caught his eyes.  _

_ You smiled at him, and he smiled back at you.  _

_ "Thank you Bucky. It was nice of you to follow me home. And thank you for taking care of me" you leaned up and kissed his cheek, leaving your lips lingering there for longer than intended.  _

_ He nodded and engulfed you in a tight hug, before turning on his heel and walking back home.  _

_ You lied when you got inside, telling them that you had a good night, so your mother wouldn't worry.  _


	18. i like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it

You woke up the next day at noon to a figure seated beside your bed. 

"Buck?" you asked quietly and rubbed your eyes and admired the man in the chair. 

His eyes were closed, and his lips were slightly parted. 

His breathing was slow and calm, and you smiled to yourself. 

Sleeping beauty... you giggled and stretched. 

He stirred and mumbled something that was completely incomprehensive. 

You wondered what he was dreaming... And if he's dreaming. 

You rose from the bed quietly and collected some clean clothes before tiptoeing into the bathroom and quietly closing the door. 

You turned on the shower and lost the garments you were wearing. 

You stepped under the scalding water and enjoyed the burning feeling of the water. 

It was almost cleansing, standing there under the water. 

You found the soap and washed yourself, shutting off the water and drying yourself off. 

You pulled the clean clothes on and wrapped your hair in the towel before opening the door, preparing to search the room, but your eyes met sharp blue ones before you had the chance to look around. 

"Hey, I didn't know you were awake" you smiled at him and his eyes fell to your lips. 

You tilted your head questioningly. 

"Buck, is something wrong?" You furrowed your eyebrows and grabbed his arm. 

He sighed, and so did you. "Say something!" you hit his bicep, and he stared right through you. 

"I heard you." He said and finally looked at you. 

You looked him, probably looking like the human incarnation of confusion. 

"On the helipad. I heard you." you sighed and pulled him away from the door, and placed him in the chair he had been sleeping in. 

"What did you hear?" you asked and sat cross-legged on your bed. 

"I heard that you feel like you have nothing, and no one. That's not true, Jesus... You have Steve, and you have me. We love having you back. I'm so happy I found you. Well, that you found me... And I'm happy that you are here. Why were you even muttering that?" He didn't look at you while talking. 

You felt the embarrassment lingering in the air, and you suddenly felt like the biggest idiot in the world. 

You shot your gaze down to your hands laying in your lap. 

"There was this... man... I don't know who he was. Or why he was there. But he talked to me. And he told me that everything was going to be alright. That I'm not going to be able to change my past, but that I've changed my present. And that I do belong. I just have to trust you, and most importantly, myself..." you sighed and looked up at Bucky, who was now staring at you, intensely. 

You searched his eyes and bit the inside of your cheek.

"Are you reading my thoughts right now?" He asked and you shook your head with a small laugh. 

"No. I'm not able to at the moment. I can feel you and your emotions, but your thoughts are barricaded. Maybe it's because I'm so all up in my feelings and confused and sad... and..." you were so close to saying you were in love, but the door opened before you had the chance. 

"Ah, so it's true what they say! New addition to the troupe!" A muscular man with a funny accent barged in and approached you. "I'm Thor, the God of thunder. I guess you could say I'm both the hottest and best avenger." He smiled and winked at you. 

"Hi. I'm (y/n). I think you've got competition in both those categories now." you replied and he laughed nervously. 

You heard his thoughts and you giggled. 

"Well, Thor, it was nice meeting you, but your thoughts are... pretty embarrassing, so I'm kind of uncomfortable..." you laughed, seeing the blush creeping up on his cheeks. 

His mouth fell open, and Bucky laughed beside you. 

"I'm fucking with you, Thor. I mean, I can hear your thoughts, but I've chosen not to... listen" you laughed, and he laughed along with you and looked between you and Bucky. 

"Well, I guess I was interrupting something. I'll leave you to it!" he smiled and left your room. 

You and Bucky looked at each other and laughed loudly. 

"That was hilarious! You shut him up pretty good. I've never seen someone have that effect on him before. I think he likes you" Bucky smiled and rose from his seat. 

"I'm going to grab something to eat. Do you want something?" you rose from the bed and followed him to the door. 

"I know he likes me, I heard his thoughts, and they were not PG 13." You both laughed and he stopped in your doorway. 

"I like someone else though. And it's not a God." you blushed and laughed nervously. 

Bucky let out a small laugh, bit his lip and admired you. 

You bit the inside of your cheek and your eyes darted down his torso, skimming over his body and landing on the ground between you.

You watched as Bucky took a step back into your room, toward you.

"You know... I feel like this is way too fucking proper" You looked up at him and you felt his hand at the back of your neck, and his lips on yours. 

You laid your hand on his cheek and returned his kiss passionately, mentally throwing a fucking party. 

Finally. 

You felt your heart pick up its pace as his his thumb caressed your cheek, his tongue asking for permission as it slid over your cupid's bow.

His metal hand came to a rest on your lower back, and you shut the door with your mind, pulling him closer to you, mouth moving in sync with his.

Your hands grasped the bottom of his shirt before he helped you pulling it off his torso, his lips leaving yours for a short while. 

When your lips reconnected, it felt as if the world disappeared around the two of you. Your hands fumbled with his pants while his grasped at your ass, pulling you closer to his body.

You pulled away from him, yanking your shirt over your head before kissing him again, his hands coming up to unfasten your bra. 

Your heart leapt in your chest as goosebumps raided your skin in the wake of the cold metal.

You craved his touch and he knew it. He was aware of how much you wanted him to touch you.

He unbuttoned your pants agonizingly slowly, letting you feel the movements of his fingers on you. 

When they were finally off, his hand found the back of your head again, lips colliding with yours harshly as you both rid yourself of your pants.

“Tell me what you want.” the words were spoken against your lips, his hot breath spreading over the corners of your mouth.

“I want you.” 

You braced yourself against him, your back against the cold hardwood floor.

He was breathing heavily, his hair hung in his face as he licked his swollen lips. 

His eyes, filled with lust, studied you intensely, memorizing you under him. 

He gripped your hips painfully within his grasp, surely leaving marks there for you to see tomorrow.

His hips ground against yours, the barrier of clothing between the two of you growing irritating.

“Bucky, please,” you moaned out as your hand fisted the hair in the nape of his neck.

He pushed himself up on his metal arm, using his flesh hand to rid you of your panties before pushing his boxers down his legs. 

You gasped as he pushed into you, the feeling of his soft thrusts making you moan.

You knew already that you would never get enough of how good he felt inside you.

His metal hand slid behind your back, holding your hips close to his as he moved on top of you, both of your moans ricocheting off the walls of your room.

Your noses grazed as you looked into each others eyes, his pupils blown, ready to devour you whole.

You moaned out as he increased the pace of his thrusts, holding your hips tightly, moving you in sync with him.

The sound of his panting drove you wild. It was so bloody hot.

You arched your back off the floor, pushing it flush against Bucky’s chest as your orgasm blinded you.

You were gripping his shoulders tightly, nails digging crescent moons into his skin.

“Fuck,  _ Bucky _ !” you breathed out, feeling him tense up on top of you.

He let out a strangled moan as he came, his cock twitching against your fluttering walls, welcoming the feeling of euphoria spreading through his veins.

Your lips slid against each others, soft kisses shared between the two of you.

He rested in between your legs, his chest heaving up and down as he attempted to catch his breath. 

Your breathing slowly turned back to normal, and he rolled off you, laying on his side next to you.

You turned slightly and lifted your hand, letting the back of it rest on his cheek lightly, emitting a smile from him.

“I’ve wanted to do that for 75 years.” Bucky panted and you let out a small giggle.

“Well, I’m glad you finally had the balls to make a move.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, I keep watching that one scene in the endings, beginnings trailer.   
I couldn't help myself.


	19. loving someone

Days passed, and you felt like the tension between you and Bucky skyrocketed. 

You didn't know if he felt the same way, but the encounter on your bedroom floor had started an avalanche of feelings you had been suppressing for all these years, because of your involvement with HYDRA. 

Every time you would catch a glimpse of him at the compound, your heart would beat faster.

And every time he would ignore you, it felt as if your heart was being ripped out of your chest.

There had been so many feelings from your side toward Bucky after the two of you had shared a kiss behind a banner at his senior dance in 1936. 

You’d both made a pledge to never tell anyone, especially not Steve. 

That's also the reason why you never took it further. 

Steve's mother died a few months later, and he and Bucky spent a lot of time together, boxing and running. 

You would occasionally run with them, when they would go for very late night runs, since it wasn't appropriate for women to run.. Like what?

You pulled Steve aside for a heartfelt talk when he had longer than five minutes to spare.

"I love him." you said as you looked Steve dead in the eye. His lips curled up into a smile and he laughed calmly. 

"I know" He smiled and sat you down on one of the couches in the room. 

You sat back and fiddled with the hem of your shirt. 

"I’ve known since 1936. You two changed after our senior prom and I kinda figured it out by then. You never looked at each other when... looking at each other. Stolen glances and whispering and not talking like you used to" Steve smiled and chuckled. 

"And we tried keeping it a secret from you all this time... And now you're telling me you knew?" you laughed and he nodded. "Did Bucky tell you something? Back then?" you asked nervously and blushed.

"He couldn't keep it a secret" Steve laughed. "He told me about your kiss behind that banner at senior prom like, two minutes after it happened" you laughed and shook your head. 

"This is totally not my secret to tell, right, but back in like... the 20's, Bucky had the biggest crush on you. And... He did all the way up to after you disappeared. He went looking for you every day. He searched everywhere... And then he went off to war. I don't know if you've heard the story about it or... But... It was a tough time. For him. And what happened afterwards... With the whole HYDRA thing... You know that part, from your perspective, of course." you looked up at him and pushed out your bottom lip.

"So you're saying Bucky liked me for like... ninety years?" you laughed at how crazy it sounded, but it was reality. 

"That's crazy, Steve. Why did he never..?" you bit the inside of your cheek and your eyes fell to one small seam on your pants, where you focused your attention, trying not to tear up.

"I guess he didn't want to ruin your friendship. Even though it pained Bucky seeing you with others, especially that Chris guy... He was so mad. He threw the biggest fit at Chris the following monday. It was almost impossible getting him to stop. I have never seen him like that.” Steve laughed at the recalled memory before his face turned serious again. 

“Can I ask what happened? I couldn't get him to tell me what happened back then, and I'm actually curious as to why he lashed out like that?" you could feel Steve's curiosity, and you decided on just telling him the truth.

"All Chris wanted was basically a quickie, and he thought I was up for that" you laughed and continued. 

"Even before the movie started, he had his hands up my dress, and touching me right there" you accentuated the word there, to specify what you meant. 

You saw Steve clench his jaw and shake his head. "I left the theatre, not even 20 minutes into the movie, and he followed. And there, behind the building he just... forced himself upon me. I kneed him in the groin when I had the chance, and you were so right Steve, he was a complete idiot. But I ran to Bucky's parents' house in pouring rain, and he calmed me, and helped me clean up. And I just tried to... kiss him." you shrugged and smiled at the memory. 

"But he refused to kiss me, and changed the subject. Then he followed me home, and then... you know, everything changed a year after when we actually did share a kiss" you bit the inside of your cheek and giggled.

"And I keep wondering why you two never acted on your feelings! I'm still confused, because you had 6 years to both act on your feelings and you never fucking did!" Steve laughed and you sighed. 

"(y/n), it was honestly awful watching you two just ignoring your own and each others' feelings. It was apparent to everybody that you two were enamored. Everybody but the two of you." you looked up at him and clenched your jaw. 

"You're right, Steve. But I just couldn't. Not with what I did. My conscience... I couldn't do that to him. I was so fucking ashamed of what I did when my dad disappeared. I sold myself, my body, to keep my family alive. And I didn't want Bucky to know that, and live with that. But now you know. That's why I didn't act on my feelings. Because how could he love me when I was like this?" you teared up and sighed as you looked down at your pants yet again.

"I had no idea" Steve said and laid his hand on your knee. "Why didn't you ask for help? You didn't have to go through that! Well it's too late now, but I would've helped you. I'm really sorry you had to go through that. It must have been terrible" his thumb stroked your kneecap and you sighed.

"I got used to it. But then this once guy got rough and wanted me to himself, and that basically started an avalanche within him. He freaked and... that was when I disappeared. This guy saw red and proceeded to stab me to a comatose state, and leave me in the gutter. And... That was when Zola found me. That Zola. And things just went... I was either in cryo or being tortured. I didn't want to be like them. Even though Zola saved me... He was convinced I owed him... I apparently owed him my life, since he had spared it." you sighed and frowned. 

"I used fifty years in that chamber. In and out... Anytime I would work against them they would just... shock me and refreeze me. And when I finally decided on just giving in... They stopped wiping me. And I remembered. Vividly. Everything." you wiped a tear from your cheek and sighed.

"But I still wrote everything down and hid it under my pillow. All up until I took off. I'm guessing it's still there." Steve looked at you and you caught his eyes. 

"I'm not sure we're going to be able to get it back. I'm sorry" He said with a frown, but you stopped him.

"It doesn't matter. I've got all the memories I need, and I'm making new, better ones. Thank you for listening."


End file.
